Parenting is difficult enough. I'm at the point to be able to let the past be. I'm over it. Also, I'm over trying to make a point, or seek fairness (life isn't fair). Lastly, I do not wish to waste time nor energy fighting. We can only control our actions and reactions.
I really wish my co-parent felt the same way. Don't misunderstand, nothing has changed in our circumstances, but I suppose my perspective over the last six months has dramatically altered. I still wouldn't shed a treat at his funeral. There wouldn't be any kind words, as this would be absolutely fake. However, I've come to accept that I can either feed into the dysfunction and negativity; or I can keep moving forward, and keep my eyes on the prize. Doing what's best for our Dude.
When responses are snarky, if they come at all - it's hard. It's hard to be nice, rather than honest. I discount much of his attitude because I try to be compassionate and see his perspective. I sometimes wonder what I could do, to encourage better commu wetnication. At the end of the day, my experience and heart tells me, nothing. People walk their path in life. They make choices, which often have little to do with anyone but themselves. Our ego, conscience and values I suppose form the basis from which we make decisions. I can only control my actions, so I do try my best.
I know part of the issue is that he has paying me child support. It may actually be the main issue. How do I remedy this? I could close the order, but he'll still owe me 40k in arrears. If I were to forgive his arrears, would this be a heater that he would just stop the hostility? These are things I think about often. Then, I remember that people are responsible for their actions. It is his choice to neot pay for many years, his choice to not work to avoid wage garnishment. I'm left with knowing that I'm not going to feel guilty for pursuing child support. I just need to remind myself that he will continue to be any with me because I did pursue it, and I need to own this action and live with the consequence.
Things should be easy, like signing kids up for water polo or basketball, but instead become issues. Accusations of bullying and manipulation are made. We're talking sports. You know what happens when sports become an issue of angst. Kids don't play. Kids become emotionally distant from anything they think causes angst. Who wants to invite angst into their life? I certainly do not. Which brings me back to, what's best for the Dude.
Tonight I heard the kids talking about security people they know. At one point, one child said, "he's useless".
The Dude responded, "he's being kind."
Perspective is everything. He reminds me, how Grace shows up in the world. How a kind heart always serves us better. When I heard this exchange, it impressed upon me that we must be doing something right. It only takes one person to decide to try to make things better, to take the high road, and to practice Grace. I hope to hold onto this memory as motivation. We'll see how it goes,
❤️ & Peace,
C.
