Life Re-boot

Earlier in the week the dude woke up with a bloody nose. There we were, standing in the bathroom at 11 in the evening waiting for it to stop. He was grumpy and I was tired. To make matters worse, he was mad at me for letting him fall asleep before he was able to have ice cream for dessert. He had a fitfully awful night of sleep where he moaned, groaned and hit me multiple times. After hitting snooze a couple of times because I'm so tired, I nudge him to tell him it's time to wake up. Guess what, he is mad at me for allowing him to sleep in because he wanted to wake up earlier.

This afternoon I'm rehashing the story with my colleague, who responds, "you need a life re-boot" and continues, "you know most computer issues are solved with a re-boot, so should life".

What an amazing concept. Just how do we get a re-boot? I've read a lot and discussed with friends about 'self-care'. However, we can't just schedule a massage when we have a morning of meetings or kids meals to make and activities to shuttle them to and from. Is meditation the answer? Can I even take 5-10 minutes? I don't even get quiet time on the toilet, how is re-booting possible? I don't have the answer to this quandary yet, but I'm sure as heck gonna try to figure out a tactic that allows me to re-boot.

Domestic Violence Awareness Project

I have so many friends besides me who have experienced or continue to live with it. There is a difference between getting mad and abusing. We've all lost our temper, but we're not talking about those moment. Over time, in a love story, love got twisted and tangled. I believe abuse is so prevalent that we accept it as the ugly side of loving. It is not. Love doesn't have an ugly side, and maybe this is where we need to change the story.

I didn't notice it at first. I didn't see the 'control measure' that were employed. I don't even know if my he understands what he's doing when he does it. It doesn't matter if he is systematically repeating what he experienced or if he's intentionally doing it. What matters is that he uses his words as weapons to hurt, undermine my self-esteem and ultimately intimidate or control me.

Here are a few warnings signs:

• The abuser only says things privately to you (not in public). He sends me messages via phone or email. He rarely 'loses' it in public. Often this is a sign of escalation and should be a cause of concern for physical safety. 
• They allude or threaten to physically assault you. There have been a handful of occasions. The last time I left, he was blocking the stairs as I was trying to move out. I vividly remember his standing up and moving towards me with a jerk like a fighter in the ring. I was shocked because there had never been an indication of violence prior to that moment. My reaction was immediate. I asked him, "are you going to hit me?". It was so surreal.
• The language and tone are one-way. In my case, he constantly calls me stupid, dumb, ignorant, fat and repeats that our son will grow up to believe the same thing about me. 
• They minimize your feelings. 
• They shame you. I experienced this a lot, often in the form of back-handed compliments. This attacks a person's self-confidence as the abuser tries to chip away in order to maintain control.
• It often doesn't begin until a life-event occurs. Of course I can see the signs now, but the verbal abuse didn't begin until after our son was born.
• You feel like you need permission to go somewhere.
• They control the finances.
• They give you disapproving feedback or looks. When we would go out with friends, he would give me a look or tap my leg under the table to signal that he thought my story was boring or if I was talking too much.
• They don't show empathy or compassion
• They emotionally withhold, become distant to punish you or get their way. 
• They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams. \
• They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect. After an evening out at pub trivia with friends, he would be upset at me for not voting for his answer, or for selecting someone else's answer. I still deal with his anger because I take other people's side or listen to their input over his.
• They don't take responsibility or blame others for their problems. This is a big one. I can't say this enough. Run, do not walk.

It is a terrible situation to have to live in; and made more difficult when children are involved. It continues to impact our child. He has gone to counseling, so he can understand words matter, his feelings are valid, and how to express them in a healthy manner. As a parent we want to shield our children from any pain. This isn't always possible when it is a parent causing it.

I don't want to stereotype either. An abuser can be a man or woman. It can be your boss, your partner or parent. If someone makes you feel badly about yourself, it probably isn't a healthy relationship. Abusers aren't bad people, but they have a problem that isn't easily fixed and most likely will never be addressed because they do not take responsibility for their actions.

We live in a volatile world, where we're a bit disconnected from our words. There is cyber-bullying and trolling reaching epidemic proportions. We need to start understanding that words are weapons and we're causing so much damage to our children. Verbal and emotional abuse lead to depression, anxiety and suicide. We have a responsibility to stop tolerating it. We need to talk about it. We need to educate people about it. We need to stand up for the victims and not make them sit in silence. We need to support them, so they know they aren't alone in it. We need to report it.

In the United States, we raise awareness during October on a few of these related issues. Please support ending verbal and emotional abuse by visiting the Anti-Bullying Campaign or Domestic Violence Awareness Project. Let's work together to end it.

When Quitting is the Right Thing to do

I wrote those dreaded words in an email to the Dude's head swim coach. It was one of the hardest things to do. I didn't use the word quit. I wrote withdrawal, but I meant quit. I expressed our thanks and appreciation for our time spent in the pool for the last year.

Leading up to this decision I spoke with parents and a few others to gauge what they went through with their kids. The initial acceptance, the tiredness, or complaining. Kids don't like the hard work. It is an individual sport. Swim practice isn't fun. The reality is the Dude plays two other sports he enjoys more, and swimming year-round was taking up every spare evening.

Practice isn't fun. What I had to remember is hard work is acceptable when you love the reward. Practicing basketball or baseball is okay because you have to do it to it to play in the game.

It is a struggle to quit an activity for me because I don't want to limit him. However, we can't do it all. We must prioritize and make choices in life. There is much value in learning how to do this. In the end, I took a step back. I listened to my child and realized that he was right. I told him too. I apologized to him. He played outside, we went for dinner to our friend's house. Now he has more time to do whatever he (or we) want to do. He is happier and I'm happier too.

We all need unstructured time. Free time to be spontaneous. It feels like a reward, and that may be something telling.

Me too

I'm compelled to continue with growing awareness of what it means to be on the receiving end of harassment. In the last 48 hours, a #Metoo campaign has grown on Facebook. It encourages women to post an update of Me too if they have been the victim of sexual harassment, abuse or assaulted. As the number of post updates have grown, it forces me to recall all the different experiences of unwanted sexual advances or harassment that I've experienced from a very young age.

I remember in a school production of Hansel and Gretel, my classmate who was playing the witch asked me to stay with her. I was a make-up assistant, so it wasn't unreasonable that I was with her. She was uncomfortable with the adult director. I don't recall asking why because I knew why she asked. However, I don't recall ever telling anyone. Not even my parents. I don't recall if anyone spoke further of it.

I've written about this before on Facebook. How much I dislike the phrase, boys will be boys. This is how this behavior is accepted and how we're setting up future generations to continue perpetuating unacceptable behavior as a fact of life. We need to do better. I shared a story about a period of time that occurred during elementary school. A boy would follow me around the playground and harass me. School playground attendants called it "teasing". He's just trying to get your attention. I didn't like it. I started carrying a purse and would hit him if he got to close. I served lunch detention for hitting him. Yup. I was the one in the wrong. He started following me home. I wouldn't go home because I didn't want him to know where I lived so I would walk around the block. I lived across the street, so this exercise was ridiculous because I would walk an extra 15/20 minutes before he grew tired.

One day it all ended. He secured my home number and called during dinner. My face must have dropped when I heard his voice. My Father took the phone and asked who it was, and he stupidly said something vulgar to my Father. I never saw that boy again. It was not the harassment that got him expelled, it was a threat of a lawsuit because it was determined that the school failed to protect my information because he found my number from school papers.

It was my Father who stood up for me. It was my Father, who in that moment confirmed and validated my feelings. It was a defining moment of my life because it gave me the strength to always trust my instinct. Also, it showed me that boys being boys isn't okay. I wasn't raised with those limitations, not by Father. He dragged me to baseball and football games. He took me to car races. He taught me to drive a stick, because every girl should know how in case they find themselves on a 'bad date'. He taught me basics about a car, so I wasn't taken advantage of. I wasn't going to be defined by my gender nor should I allow anyone else to do so.

These were incidents that could be explained away like they never existed, but I have always remembered them even though the faces and names have faded from memory. Their impression left a permanent mark.

The latter gave me the courage to say no in the future, but it didn't protect me from the more overt sexual harassing situations from occurring. The perverts (yes, more than once) stopping to ask for directions, only to be masturbating in their car. Sitting at Denny's to have a flasher outside the window. The latter may sound funny, but it's just a matter of life when you're a woman.Walking to work, who doesn't cringe at construction workers? It is like I suffer PTSD every time I see one. Head down, walk straight ahead as quickly as possible. I don't even like jogging in public, because when I was younger, I grew uncomfortable with being honked and yelled at. The drunken guys grabbing you at an event or bar. Once during a work function I had a much older labor leader try to give me his hotel room key. Something that is a matter of life if you are girl.

I saw Prime Minister Trudeau during a press conference refer to being a feminist. Watch it here. Mr. Trudeau has proclaimed this before. Last year he said similar things during announcing his cabinet.
We should all be feminists. It is something that continues to pop up. Dior made the shirt last year and donated funds to charity, but it needs to be more than a slogan. It needs to be incorporated into every day life.
I've started by raising a son who treats all people with respect, empathy and compassion. Who will not see girls as less but different, but not because of her gender rather all the other parts that make her an individual.

Big Little Lies

I read Big Little Lies before watching the show. The hit novel translates to a hit show because all picture perfect, social media crafted lives hide secrets. Some big, some little. Those white lies that we all tell to get through our day, or explain an absence or why we're running late.

We live in community with a lot of affluence, educated and successful neighbors surrounding me on all sides. The dark underbelly hidden by closed doors contain those two words that we see discussed a lot these days. Privilege and entitlement. These are the themes that provide the fodder for great stories. It makes for good entertainment. As a writer, we're often taught to draw from our personal experiences. We take an element, an aspect of the truth and shape it into something else. If only life were so simple. Art imitates life, not the other way around. We come up with the stories, but we forget too often that someone lives it.

In the news we've had multiple incidents of men in powerful positions, leveraging those positions to physically or sexually assault a woman. Let's label those people as a creative genius, or big personality. Quick-tempered or my favorite - emotional. I suggest they should be called what they really are - abusive. All to often, we're forced to work or live with someone who is volatile. Obscene. Abusive.

Let's be clear what we're talking about here. A woman in a relationship with a man who belittles her, who tells her he loves her one moment to sending messages calling her a cunt. If this woman were your sister, your mother or your best friend, would we tell her that's not right? Implore her to leave him? What if she can't. What if she has to continue working with this person, who attacks her on a weekly basis with messages of hate and calls her names ranging from fat to stupid to bitch? Should we just turn the other cheek and deal with it?

We are a polite society. Can I still use this phrase? People will jump on the bandwagon, but no one wants to drive. It takes one person with strong resolve and nerves of steel to make the first claim. Others eventually jump aboard. Then you see EVERYONE jumping on how wrong it is. Abusers get away with it because they can. They are entitled to lose their temper or have moments of poor decisions. I don't have to look at the latest headlines to see this. I see it in my own life. I'm in an abusive relationship that I can't end; and I just have to deal with it. Accept it.

Hmmm. Let's think about this. I'm not entitled to peace. I'm not entitled to my phone messages not containing vile language threatening me and calling my family faggots. I am responsible for not only my actions; but his actions towards me. Sound familiar? I'm fairly certain that is what abusers tell their victims. You made me mad and I couldn't help myself. Don't be a dummy, don't be so stupid. I'm smarter than you, so you should let me make all the decisions.

Well, the feminist in me says, WTF. The realist in me says, nothing you can do. The mother in me says, I refuse to allow my son to learn and repeat this behavior as appropriate. The rest of me says, there are a lot of women experiencing the same thing. They want a way out, they want a wagon to jump onto. The writer in me says, write, write it all down. 

I'm not the person who shrinks in pressure situations. I may not succeed, but I'm not going to back down either. Failure lies only in not doing your best. It takes many people stepping forward before momentum of change happens. Many of these abusers stay because we victim shame. When it comes to abused women, we often hold them accountable. We hold them accountable for sexual assault. It's a slippery slope to be a woman; and the shit always runs downhill. 

We need to do better. We need to not be polite society and turn away from disgusting behavior. We should demand more. It isn't easy to share these secrets because they are more than just a custody issue. Those details are simple and I'm not embarrassed by them.

So, the question is, why am I embarrassed to share that my ex regularly verbally abuses me? It is because we blame the victim. We give permission to abusers by making excuses. He just wants more time with his child. He loves his child. For the record, two weeks ago he wrote me and confessed that he loves me and our child more than anything in the world. Ahhh, that's it. He's hurt and heartbroken. He's just not expressing himself in a healthy way. No shit? Really? I'm pretty sure when I've been heartbroken I call my girlfriends, who cheer me up with drinks or chocolate or retail therapy. To be fair, I've contributed to the volatile situation. I stood up for myself. I know how I want to parent and I have strong opinions that I will represent. I will not back down in doing what I feel is right. This is how I've contributed to the situation.

He wrote on many occasions that I made him treat me like this. It is my fault. I mad him angry and he lost his temper. The following is my fault (according to him):

He's not working

He refuses to pay support

He lost his Uber job

He lost his Uber car

He lost his license

He quit his job

He loses his temper

He calls me stupid, fat or idiot

He owes 38,000 in child support arrears

It didn't start out like this, but I saw the dark hostility on two occasions before we had our child. Maybe I should have known. I certainly had concerns, but excused them away as one-offs or bad days. Fast forward, we have to co-parent, so I'm left with a court-order to use a communication tool. He gets multiple platforms by which to harass and demean me. Lucky me. I joke because there is no other way to deal. To cry would give him the power that he's getting to me; and I refuse to be defeated by a bully abuser. Some days his anger and hostility become distractions. Some nights I can't sleep well because I know I'm going to have to engage him or ask him a question because I refuse to let him change my commitment to providing our child with the best possible everything. Occasionally, I am energized and feel defiant. I am motivated to not be a victim. I put on a brave front, when really I just want to stay in bed; and pray he will die. Too harsh? When you have someone who torments you for a long enough period of time, which there seems no solution, no end, one prays for their death because the need for peace overwhelms all else. I have no compassion left for him. He evokes nothing from me but fear, angst and frustration. Every interaction we have causes an overwhelming feeling of dread and powerlessness that I've got to continue to co-parent with someone who continues to verbally abuse me.

After a terrible two days, I am having one of those defiant days. Let's be clear. Two days ago I was sent this message after our child support court date, 

"If you post or write one more thing about me I will end your fat ass" followed up by, "You are a cunt"

So what happens now will be my fault? Is this the message we want to send to our girls? Is this what we're telling our boys is okay? There was a lot of discussion about locker room talk in the fall. I recall Billy Bush lost his job, but America elected the other guy who actually suggested assaulting a woman is allowed because you're entitled. I have only one response to this sense of entitlement. 

I call Bullshit.