Aiming for an A in Life

My colleague and I were discussing some personnel changes. She off-handily remarks how her first impression of me was that I was full of myself. Now, I'm trying best to recall her words, which were brutal and kind. I didn't take notes. I'm doing my best to paraphrase and express her sentiment. It was horrifying, humbling and affirming. All at the same time.

"I thought you were full of yourself she continues, "you had this confidence, and stated matter of fact, your opinions. You had a political background and talked about politics. But, as I got to know you, you are warm and have a great way of communicating your thoughts. I've come to appreciate it." She finished her reflection of my attributes with "Don't ever change." She repeated herself, "Don't ever change".

I don't pretend to be every one's favorite sort of person. Heck, I don't really want to be liked by everyone. Popularity has never appealed to me. I want to be liked by those I like, respect and admire. I'm opinionated, uncompromising to a fault. I'm loud. I'm judgmental. I try not to be, but aren't we all? Recently, I discovered a few truths about people that were not surprising, but disappointing. Luckily, these were women that weren't my favorite people. I made the decision early on about them. My judgment saved me some serious disappointment, as time always reveals one's true character.

Here are my top five qualities that excludes one from being my favorite sort of person (in no particular order):
1. Dishonesty. I don't mean white-lies or insignificant withholding...I'm talking deception and betrayal. The stuff dramatic soaps are made of...
2. Debbie-downers. It is just a coincidence if your name is Debbie. This isn't directed towards you. However, you may want to avoid being such a cliche if you're both a Debbie and a downer. Listening to you whine endlessly about shit is not how I want to spend my free time. Or worse, listening to you piss on someone else's parade. Go away.
3. Neediness/ highly insecure / major self-esteem issues. I can't. I don't fault you, but I can't fix you, help you, build you up, clean up after you, listen to you whine endlessly about shit that you could fix.
4. Hitting on/making out with someone else's boyfriend/husband/date. You get the idea right. I'm not talking about juvenile romance, but real grown up - kids involved - messy shit. We're suppose to support one another. Woman code. Don't break it.
5. Douchebag assholes. It is a catch-all. Need examples? Trumps, Michael Vick, Lance Armstrong and Martin Shkreli to name just a few.

There isn't enough free time to spend it on those that aren't your favorite people. I'm super blessed because I've managed to hit some out of the park home runs in the friend game. Some people have to tolerate me, while others seem to like me at least, 90 percent of the time. Willingly. Without bribes!! I'm pretty happy with 90 percent. It's an A, and I'll take it.

Peace&Love
C.


“Only a few find the way; some don’t recognize it when they do; some don’t ever want to.” – The Cheshire Cat

Finding My Voice

It's been over a month since I've written a post. I've been busy with  getting back to a work/school schedule. I've been too busy with life to want to write. Let me explain. Writing is a cathartic exercise for me. I write about my feelings, my thoughts and life to share my perspective. It isn't about the validation. It is a need to express my thoughts and feelings without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I can say what I feel. As a result, I've come to accept, and grown comfortable with my feelings and the conflict that surrounds me in life. I gained a new perspective because I've released the shame, frustration and feelings of failure I carried around with me. I didn't even know how those feelings were undermining my growth until the last few months. Writing forced me to confront a situation, and reflect on it in a way that speaking about it with close friends doesn't provide. In writing this blog, I've found my voice. Now, it's up to me to continue to use it. This is the next hurdle I will need to work on. The discipline required to continually write.

I appreciate everyone who has taken time to read it. I appreciate your kinds words of support, your thoughts, and sharing your stories. You helped me along this journey to get to this point, and I couldn't be here without each of you.
Peace and Love,
C.

Finding Perspective in Co-parenting

How do we move forward with every interaction, every mistake seems to be magnified?

Parenting is difficult enough. I'm at the point to be able to let the past be. I'm over it. Also, I'm over trying to make a point, or seek fairness (life isn't fair). Lastly, I do not wish to waste time nor energy fighting. We can only control our actions and reactions. 

I really wish my co-parent felt the same way. Don't misunderstand, nothing has changed in our circumstances, but I suppose my perspective over the last six months has dramatically altered. I still wouldn't shed a treat at his funeral. There wouldn't be any kind words, as this would be absolutely fake. However, I've come to accept that I can either feed into the dysfunction and negativity; or I can keep moving forward, and keep my eyes on the prize. Doing what's best for our Dude.

When responses are snarky, if they come at all - it's hard. It's hard to be nice, rather than honest. I discount much of his attitude because I try to be compassionate and see his perspective. I sometimes wonder what I could do, to encourage better commu wetnication. At the end of the day, my experience and heart tells me, nothing. People walk their path in life. They make choices, which often have little to do with anyone but themselves. Our ego, conscience and values I suppose form the basis from which we make decisions. I can only control my actions, so I do try my best. 

I know part of the issue is that he has paying me child support. It may actually be the main issue. How do I remedy this? I could close the order, but he'll still owe me 40k in arrears. If I were to forgive his arrears, would this be a heater that he would just stop the hostility? These are things I think about often. Then, I remember that people are responsible for their actions. It is his choice to neot pay for many years, his choice to not work to avoid wage garnishment. I'm left with knowing that I'm not going to feel guilty for pursuing child support. I just need to remind myself that he will continue to be any with me because I did pursue it, and I need to own this action and live with the consequence. 

Things should be easy, like signing kids up for water polo or basketball, but instead become issues. Accusations of bullying and manipulation are made. We're talking sports. You know what happens when sports become an issue of angst. Kids don't play. Kids become emotionally distant from anything they think causes angst. Who wants to invite angst into their life?  I certainly do not. Which brings me back to, what's best for the Dude. 

Tonight I heard the kids talking about security people they know. At one point, one child said, "he's useless". 

     The Dude responded, "he's being kind." 

Perspective is everything. He reminds me, how Grace shows up in the world. How a kind heart always serves us better. When I heard this exchange, it impressed upon me that we must be doing something right. It only takes one person to decide to try to make things better, to take the high road, and to practice Grace. I hope to hold onto this memory as motivation. We'll see how it goes, 

❤️ & Peace,

C.

Hardest Part of Growing Up

There are a few milestones we experience that often signify adulthood. Some of us may experience buying a home, getting married or becoming parents. Those are joyous occasions that mark the beginning of new adventures and new chapters. Then life dips, where we feel like failures. We regretfully make poor choices. These are all experiences we must have, and can't be avoided. Together these experiences shape us.

Starting in my early thirties, my friends and I had many celebrations of life. Weddings and births of children. These events added more joy than heartbreak. During the same time period, I started to witness and experience  relationships changing and some ending. I wasn't heartbroken when I left, but as I had written before, I had been embarrassed. I stayed longer than I would have because I didn't want to have "failed", or "wasted" those years. Today I realize that no relationship is wasted, no relationship fails. We're not failures. We need to redefine how we think about our relationships. Whether they are familial, romantic or friendships. They help us to define our worth. We learn from what worked and what didn't. We learn about ourselves. We learn our limits, and how we should treat others. We shape our values through these experiences. Ultimately, we decide our worth.

I know how much I learn from my friends. I've surrounded myself with some amazing people. People I trust, people who are smart and make me a better person. I've also witnessed my short-comings. I know to promise (occasionally). I can value the differences, as much as the similarities, of my friends and our friendships. I have a best friend who is my polar opposite, but still is my person. It doesn't diminish my sincere affection for her. I defined values and priorities that are important to me, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Relationships are all about compromising, but settling for less than one's worth because one is afraid of being alone is damaging. Eventually those cracks become to much to hide.

It was my Mom who said to me, "You can spend 10 years with someone being polite. You will look back, realizing you've spent your prime of your life in a snap". Relationships don't ever fail because there is no mark of "success". Being married for 20, 25 or 50-years isn't a measure of success. Success is living an honest life, in-accord with your values. Perhaps we should remove the need to measure relationships, and everyone would be happier? After all, it takes two to have a relationship. One person doesn't control the outcomes. It only takes one person to affect, change and alter the outcome. Time after time, I hear friends say they feel ashamed and embarrassed for it not working out, or for their  spouse/partner's actions. The best thing we can do for ourselves is take responsibility for our own actions. Other people are responsible for their actions. It's never a reflection upon us. Just as how we behave isn't a reflection upon anyone else.

The reality is more often that not, relationships have a shelf life. Not everyone is meant to stay. Sometimes people come along to contribute something wonderful (like the Dude). Devaluing your worth based on fear and compromising out of love. Those are two different choices. Always choose love.  ❤️-C.

Comic-Con 2018 Craziness

I'm in recovery from my first full San Diego Comic-Con experience. In the past few years I had only done 2 or 3 days of the Con. Also, from the first time four years ago to this past year, the convention has changed a lot. I'm going to summarize my experience in a top ten highlight reel. For those who ask about "Why" or "What" happens inside I've summarized my thoughts about why we love the Con.

My brother, Sean showing off his Dragonball Z bag from the off-site

Panels: I love going to panels. Small or the infamous Hall H. Panels are an interesting way to hear more about projects across all mediums and various industries such as; comics, video games, film/tv or toys. Besides seeing these things first, often producers or directors share their thoughts, inside perspectives or future insights. These are the creators of projects and often not people who are interviewed by traditional media.

Autograph signings: for those collectors and super fans, this can be quite the highlight and sought after.

Exhibition Hall: overwhelming fun for all. It is what most Con attendees spend wandering from booth to booth gathering "SDCC Exclusives" and other collectibles. This year, I was obsessed with collecting all the shirts from Deadpool 2, but missed Thursday (got distracted) and Sunday was a catastrophe. Deadpool riding a unicorn. I really wanted this shirt, but so did a hundred other people who were more determined and pushier. Clearly, I'm not aiming to spend hours waiting and waiting. I did blow budget gathering cool shirts, new books, and art prints from artists.

Free-bees: These are a bonus because often they are exclusive to the Con. Posters, shirts and other random items. Attendees (or non-attendees at off-sites) receive fun stuff from booths and during panels, one of the reason my attendees go crazy trying to get into certain panels or booths.

Off-sites: These are mostly those events and/or booths that are often open to the public.

My Top Ten Favorite Things from SDCC 2018

10. Deadpool 2 panel: full clip from the conclusion of the film (If I can turn back time). Cher will              never be the same.
9.   Acquiring my first Alex Ross, Wonder Woman to add to my collection. Limited, SDCC exclusive        21/25. Can't wait to hang it!
8.   Deadpool 2 giveaway tee shirts. Friday shirt giveaway featured his sketch of Peter. Although the          song 9-5 will forever be altered. Also (adding in here), I discovered and met Justin from Claus            Studios. You'll know his work from the end credits of the movie. His work is entertaining.
7.   Star Wars Millennium Falcon experience. #thesmugglersway
6.   Spending time with friends doing the Con together. These memories and experiences are quality          time too. This year I took a friend's son and it was so much fun. I didn't get to do it with the                Dude, but he did go with his Dad. However, our friend's son was the next best thing, and we had          an awesome day. It was full of "exclusives". Hanging with Rebecca, her boyfriend
      Nick Kremenek (artist and graphic designer) and my brother (fan boy) makes the Con experience        more worthwhile. When you are waiting, you talk and talk. It truly is quality time.
5.   Sony Panel in Hall H. First, the wait was only 30 minutes and that's nothing by SDCC standards.        Spider-man: into the Spider-verse was amazing. Graphics will blow you away, and features the            new Spider-man Miles Morales. It's a big deal. We watched rough-cut preview for Venom                    starring Tom Hardy, who came to his first panel. What a treat!
4.   Getting to speak to author, Tom Angleberger, who wrote the Origami Yoda series. Not only was          he gracious with his time, he made the Dude an origami Yoda. The Dude will get it when I pick          him up tomorrow. Can't wait to give the Dude his new Star Wars, The Mighty Chewbacca in the          Forest of Fear.
3.   Ryan Reynolds during Deadpool 2 panel. He is as funny in person as he is on Instagram. If you          want a good laugh, follow him on IG: @vancityreynolds
2.   Impromptu Flash Panel. During Kevin Smith's panel he showed Grant Gustin and Tom                        Cavanagh's short film, Tom and Grant. It is hilarious.
1.   Kevin Smith Panel, and seeing him receive the Inkpot. If you ever get a chance to hear Kevin              Smith on Saturday night in Hall H. Run, don't walk. We watched his pilot, Hollyweed, which he          had never screened with an audience.  It's Clerks in a pot shop. If you love Kevin Smith, you'll            love this show. You can order episodes at www.RivitTv.com.

There are many more, but I just can't list everything. Now I've got to wait another 360 days until 2019. Let the countdown begin. Click to see photos from SDCC 2018 Photos

Say Nothing

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting with my friend at the Violent Femmes concert. The band had started. Two or three songs into their set, and most of the crowd took to sitting in their seats. Two women, on our left, remained standing. I could hear a man yelling for them to sit down. I saw one woman turn around, and politely decline. She wanted to stand and dance. Obviously, this was a significant slight to the man (two rows behind); and he responded by heckling the two women. When he realized that wasn't going to work, he proceeded to go to the empty seats in front of them, wildly dancing. At this point, I thought he would get it out of his system. Suddenly, he turned around and faced them. Standing in front of these two (much shorter) women he remained for about 30 seconds waving his hands around, while standing one foot away from one woman's face. Not once did these woman do anything, raise their voices or act rudely. It was at this point I had to say something.

     "You look like a complete ass hole. Everyone is looking at you, because you are the crazy ass hole in this situation." 

     We exchanged a few statements. He tried to justify his behavior because "they wouldn't sit down". 

     "We're at a concert. They are dancing and having a good time. There is nothing wrong with what they are doing" I responded. He said his friend couldn't see. I suggested to him they stand up. 

     He accused me, "You're taking their side because I have a penis." 

First, I agreed with him. I believe he used his male stature to intimidate them into behaving the way he wanted them to. He behaved like a bully. I'm not going to sit by when I see someone bullying, and shaming a woman because she wasn't doing what he wanted. The whole scene took just a few minutes to transpire. I explained to the guy, "Dude, it's a concert. People want to have fun and you're ruining the vibe. Have fun, don't be an ass hole." Of course, I delivered it with a smile. Eventually he returned to his seat and remained there for the rest of the concert. 

It's not okay for anyone to speak to someone like this. There were at least a dozen people who saw what was happening, sat there and did nothing. The truth for them could be different, but it could also be that it is easier to not get involved. To let the situation pass because in the scheme of things, it doesn't seem to be a big deal. Make the excuses for bad behaviors...blame the women for not sitting down, for whatever they did to cause it. They must have done something to perpetuate the situation. Some people act out badly to get their way. Truth is some people are miserable human beings. People pick on others and ridicule them because they feel powerless in their own lives; and want to feel powerful.

It's okay to make a poor decision, but take responsibility and apologize. We lose our temper. We have human moments. A bully wants to yell, mock and belittle someone else into submission. They use these tactics to feel powerful. When we do nothing and turn away, we become complicit. Understand the message we send, when we sit silently and say nothing.

"You are alone".
"You should do what he says".
"You deserve it".
"You are worthless".

As I responded to one of the women, after she leaned over to thank me, "You did nothing wrong."

Ending Childhood Dreams Too Soon

My bestie (or one of them) has a term she uses to describe those people in our life who exhaust us with their negativity, energy vampire. Like the blood sucker who leave you dead, these suckers thrive on positive energy of the people around them.

As adults, we can choose to cut these people off. We eventually see them for what they are, and we end those relationships. What if the energy sucker is a parent? What if the victim is a child? It is difficult enough to find the balance between pushing our children into what we believe is best for them, and allowing them to be who they are through discovery and experience. I observe this on a daily basis within youth sports and my own life.

We all know those parents. We cringe as they publicly ridicule or chide their child (and we're talking about  children ten and younger). We can see the child's physical demeanor alter. We can sense or see their fear or sadness wash over them as they receive their parents' critique of their performance or instruction. We know when it crosses the line. We all know when we've pushed to hard. We're human and we all make mistakes in our way we choose to love our children.

However, I'm not talking about those parents. Specifically, I'm talking of my own personal experience over the last few years of watching the Dude play baseball. I'm talking about how an unhappy and unfulfilled person slowly sucks the energy out of his child in pursuit of making him better. If this sounds like someone in your own child's life, or sounds like you, it is never too late to check yourself. The line isn't so fine between pushing your child for their betterment and pushing them for your own egotistical needs.

I've thought and thought about this. I've struggled with how to help the Dude with the intensity that comes with his father. I've made the excuses for him. I've told him repeatedly how his father loves him, and just wants him to be the best he can be. I tried to believe it, but I don't. I know he's living through the Dude. He's an energy sucker and sees the Dude as an extension of himself. Fully formed and unable to make mistakes. His need to strive for perfection (which we all know is unattainable) through his child. His unforgiving demands upon his child.

This brings me back to the point of energy suckers in our children's life. How do we help our children cope with them? What to do when the person is your parent? I don't have the answer. I've sought therapy and court-action. It isn't illegal to be an ass hole.  Therapy doesn't work when you can't end the relationship, and the other person doesn't want to participate. Recently, the Dude declared his desire to be a professional baseball player. A kid's dream. Isn't it the best when our kids have these amazing lofty goals, even when we know as adults the path is hard and unlikely? I love the possibility of hope and dreams. It is the most beautiful thing about our children.

Over the course of the last 8 months, I've heard the Dude repeatedly say he no longer wants to play. I wondered if it is the struggle and work, or if it is something else? I know it is something else. The constant critique has worn away his confidence and stifled the joy of playing. The Dude is smart enough that he understands that baseball is ruining their relationship. Perhaps by no longer playing, he can once again receive the acceptance he desperately wants from his father. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious. At the end of the day, we want our parents to be proud of us. I know it's still how I feel, and I'm a grown adult.

The irony is, his father has a lot he could do in his own behaviors and life to improve upon. It is always easier to look outward than inward. We all know this to be true as well. Instead he sees the potential and vitality of his child and sucks energy from him to sustain his own life. It is wrong. There is no excuse I can make to justify it. The Dude isn't alone in his experience. It will not be until much, much later that he'll understand, and have the experience and wisdom to know this. I just hope that he continues to keep dreaming. Childhood ends when we stop dreaming, and ten is to young to stop being a child.

Please don't be an energy vampire.
Peace & Love.

Girls Run the World

I'm long overdue for a post. For those who may not know, today is International Women's Day. To celebrate today, I would encourage everyone to donate to an organization that works with building up and supporting young girls in their development; and to reach their greatest potential. Women are the backbone of society. We birth life, primarily raise children and contribute to the workforce in greater amounts every day. The more we raise our girls to feel their value and provide meaningful platforms for their voices, the better we will all be. We will thrive.

My favorite organization locally (San Diego area) is Girls Rising. Girls Rising is a non-profit that focuses on at-risk girls with mentoring big sister relationships, and supports their emotional well-being. This organization does real work in our neighborhoods, impacting the lives of families throughout San Diego. Being a parent, I understand how so much of my worry and stress revolves around the well-being of my child. When there are programs and people that truly care and support my child, they are supporting me too. Girls Rising's mentor program does this and without organizations like them, these girls will fall short.

On the ex-US front, I like Girl Effect. Founded by Nike, it's now its own non-profit. The work they do around the world is to bring the stories to the public; and to give voices to girls through various mediums and across all platforms. 

In many places children are silent. Adults believe they should be silent and not heard. Their voices do not matter. Just look at how the Florida legislator mocked the survivors from Parkland. However, we should be praising their activism. We should continue to encourage all children, especially our girls to speak up for what they believe. No child should ever be told they are children and should not have opinions. A community leader denigrates these young people, with their legitimate right to voice their feelings and opinions on policy matters that impact their lives. Just imagine how those children on the fringes of our society or in other countries must live in silence because they never find their way to the platform.

Happy International Women's Day!

An Education in Justice

I am keenly aware that my situation isn't extreme, nor a cautionary tale of co-parenting battles. It is rather middle of the road in terms of family strife.

Here are 15 things I learned from spending hours researching family matters, the thousands spent on attorneys and many court visits later.

15. Financial support means nothing in terms of parenting. Custody and support are two unrelated issues in family law. I know!

14. I'm very happy knowing I did not pursue a legal career, become a DA or Judge. It all seems very depressing. Important, but overwhelming and depressing.

13. Free resources. Use if you must, but the adage "you get what you pay for" applies.

12. Find areas of compromise. 

11. Develop thick skin. Be prepared to listen to lies and dishonest portrayals of your character. Be prepared for attacks and vicious naming calling. 

10. Best interests of the child are not to be confused with one's (parent's) desire.

9. There is always someone in a worse situation. Sit in a family courtroom. It's heartbreaking. 

8. If you have two options, pick the one that makes you least happy. It is probably the right thing to do.

7. As a parent, we can't fix all our kid's problems. This includes the other parent. People are flawed. We can't protect our kids from the realities of life, but we can prepare them to cope.

6. Judges speak legalese. Lawyers are interpreters. Absolutely necessary. If you want to be understood, spend the money.

5. You can't legislate or litigate someone into doing the right thing. People must want to do it. We can place restrictions and threaten, but neither are effective methods. 

4. Be prepared to absorb the abuse or other parent's poor decisions. It is far better to know you acted with integrity. Bad behavior is eventually noticed.

3. The standard in family law is set low. One must be immediately dangerous. Therefore, anything less is really just parenting values and difference of opinion.

2. Website research will make you bonkers. Don't google family law matters. Your sanity is too important. Go hire a lawyer.

1. CYA your interactions. Document everything.

It is a long and difficult road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I hate. It is a lose-lose. It is important to have people close to you. People who support you and your child. I have friends who give me amazing advice that doesn't consist of making that douchebag suffer! Rather, support us with thoughtful suggestions to de-escalate perceived conflict. This is something I've come to appreciate more over the past year. For all of those struggling through their co-parenting relationships. Hang in there! Fight the important fight and let the rest go. 

Going Home Again

Today I was reminded of past memories from Facebook. Popping up on my feed was a series of pictures posted 9 years ago. We had moved from Boston to San Diego. The cross-country move was something I hadn't contemplated. I'm not one to live in the past. Returning to San Diego felt like revisiting the past. I had become a city dweller. I loved not owning a car, living in the hustle of the city and it's wealth of history. I never wanted to be part of suburbia, bedroom communities and strip malls. The reality of spending hours of my life in car commuting to work is cringe-worthy. 

The decision was made quickly, within two weeks from the time the original idea came up. It was having a child that made me reassess. Childcare in the city was crazy expensive. Schools in city proper would be either private school or moving from my beloved adopted North End neighborhood. Winters meant lots of planning to keep kids active and entertained. I had lots of friends, but no family. I found this to be the deciding factor. For everyone it is different. I was raised without family close by. I missed out of the stories of cousins hanging out, relationships with Grandparents. For me, I missed having those close ties and fond memories that defined my childhood. Besides, growing up in San Diego was a positive experience.

It was hard to leave, but not as hard as I thought because I was excited about the possibilities ahead. Coming home gave me strength to leave an unhealthy relationship because there is something undeniable about the mirror 'home' provides. We can't lie to those who really know us the best. 2018 will mark a decade since I made the decision to go home. Three friends from my Boston days have moved here, and I am still close with several others. I have landed a role at a company that matched how appreciated and valued I felt in Boston at Partners Healthcare. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to have created strong friendships and a great community.

I can see my fear about coming home wasn't about the past, rather I was afraid it meant defeat.  Fearing I would wash away all the growth and experience. Nearly a decade later I know that I followed my path to explore who I wanted to be, about discovering my likes and dislikes. It was my need for self-determination. My fear was unfounded. I look at the photo by the pier, holding the Dude. I know now that making that decision to go back home was the ultimate act of self-determination. It was the second best decision I made in my life, next to becoming a mother. 

Wishing everyone peace and love.

Saying Goodbye to 2017

Reflecting back, 2017 wasn't terrible to me. There was room for growth and room for improvement, but there were positive revelations that occurred. Here are my top ten things I learned from last year.

1. Friends reveal themselves through their actions and support when you need it.
2. The truth does set you free.
3. Bad experience is just a valuable (if not more) than a good experience.
4. I love being alone as much as I love being with people. Different and equally awesome.
5. Public persona is not reality, but a limited viewpoint of real life.
6. I still love playing basketball. I can't like I once did, but I'm more motivated to keep playing in some capacity.
7. Quality trumps quantity in every category.
8. The effort that goes into your friendships matter, and social media is not real effort. As I said to a certain gal last week, I'll take face time with her anyway I can get it, even if it means shopping in Kohl's for 3+ hours.
9. Keep life simple. Try not to get bogged down with stuff.
10. I feel closer to my family (specifically my parents) than I have in past years. Maybe it has to do with parenthood?

Happy New Year!