Hardest Part of Growing Up

There are a few milestones we experience that often signify adulthood. Some of us may experience buying a home, getting married or becoming parents. Those are joyous occasions that mark the beginning of new adventures and new chapters. Then life dips, where we feel like failures. We regretfully make poor choices. These are all experiences we must have, and can't be avoided. Together these experiences shape us.

Starting in my early thirties, my friends and I had many celebrations of life. Weddings and births of children. These events added more joy than heartbreak. During the same time period, I started to witness and experience  relationships changing and some ending. I wasn't heartbroken when I left, but as I had written before, I had been embarrassed. I stayed longer than I would have because I didn't want to have "failed", or "wasted" those years. Today I realize that no relationship is wasted, no relationship fails. We're not failures. We need to redefine how we think about our relationships. Whether they are familial, romantic or friendships. They help us to define our worth. We learn from what worked and what didn't. We learn about ourselves. We learn our limits, and how we should treat others. We shape our values through these experiences. Ultimately, we decide our worth.

I know how much I learn from my friends. I've surrounded myself with some amazing people. People I trust, people who are smart and make me a better person. I've also witnessed my short-comings. I know to promise (occasionally). I can value the differences, as much as the similarities, of my friends and our friendships. I have a best friend who is my polar opposite, but still is my person. It doesn't diminish my sincere affection for her. I defined values and priorities that are important to me, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Relationships are all about compromising, but settling for less than one's worth because one is afraid of being alone is damaging. Eventually those cracks become to much to hide.

It was my Mom who said to me, "You can spend 10 years with someone being polite. You will look back, realizing you've spent your prime of your life in a snap". Relationships don't ever fail because there is no mark of "success". Being married for 20, 25 or 50-years isn't a measure of success. Success is living an honest life, in-accord with your values. Perhaps we should remove the need to measure relationships, and everyone would be happier? After all, it takes two to have a relationship. One person doesn't control the outcomes. It only takes one person to affect, change and alter the outcome. Time after time, I hear friends say they feel ashamed and embarrassed for it not working out, or for their  spouse/partner's actions. The best thing we can do for ourselves is take responsibility for our own actions. Other people are responsible for their actions. It's never a reflection upon us. Just as how we behave isn't a reflection upon anyone else.

The reality is more often that not, relationships have a shelf life. Not everyone is meant to stay. Sometimes people come along to contribute something wonderful (like the Dude). Devaluing your worth based on fear and compromising out of love. Those are two different choices. Always choose love.  ❤️-C.