Right or Wrong? Does it Matter?

Let's be clear. Most of time I'm not wrong when disagreements arise in my co-parenting universe. Notice I didn't say I was right, I said I wasn't wrong. I do believe both can be right. After all, parenting is a wide-open field with several paths to get through it. Some people like to take the paved sidewalk, others may want to pick wild flowers and meander through at a leisurely pace, and others want to fly right over because they could careless about wild flowers.

Parenting with my ex is challenging. We agree on very little. These differences added to the existing and on-going communication challenges make co-parenting very difficult. Even-though I want nothing to do with him, I do put forth effort to communicate and co-parent. I have friends in similar situations. Just like those parents who stay together, we're individuals with our own experience, personality and opinion. We don't agree and that is okay, but not trying to do our best to work with the other parent is not okay.

The hardest challenge I'm facing is the Dude's own life and activities being supported consistently by parent while they are on-duty. For example, the Dude plays baseball. His father decides he would rather not take him to his game on his weekend. He didn't agree to the league. There could be other reasons; but what can one do to come to a resolution when each believes they are right?

I've reflected the last few months on how better to deal with this issue. He certainly knows a lot about baseball. Do I leave him to decide all things baseball because he knows more about the sport of baseball? Well, I don't. Should I? Does not having played a the sport disqualify a parent from their right to opinion on participating? Certainly not. I have as much experience in participating in youth sports as he does. It comes down to the kid. He's at the age where he can express himself and he's decided he wants to play in our community league. The Dude loves baseball. He loves playing with his friends and battling them in the box. Rehashing game moments during the school day. So, we will continue down this path and register for another season. The hope is his dad fully supports the activity, but only time can tell. When dealing with someone who tends to put their own feelings before what is best for a child - we can only wait and hope.

I get kudos for how I interact with my ex, but I shouldn't. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the best thing for the dude. I shouldn't get kudos for it. We're all trying to do the right thing, and from his dad's perspective, he's trying to do the right thing as well. Only the dude loses when we can't work together. It isn't about being right. Good parenting doesn't comes down to being right. Sometimes it comes down to being happy (read When Quitting is the Right thing to do).  Weighing all the positives and negatives to come up with the decision that makes the most sense.

In a couple of years the Dude is going to be old enough to have more autonomy. I hold onto this as a short-term milestone to get through the disappointment and conflict. Sooner or later, it will not be me fighting. He will be able to determine his own path (within reason). I'm not gonna lie, I hold onto this on the days where I just want to scream and cry out from frustration.

Also, I've always been a strategic thinker, so I keep my eye on the long-term goal. The long-term goal isn't a MLB career or college baseball (although I support the Dude's long-term goal), but for him to look back on his childhood with fondness. My long-term goal is to know I did my best to do what was best for him. We choose to try (knowing sometimes we fall short) or not. In those moments when I want to curse out my ex and tell him what I really think of him or his choices, I let this be my guide. I don't want to let his father's inability to co-parent or our dislike for one another to negatively influence my behavior or change my decision-making. I hope for the best, while empowering the Dude to always respectfully express his wants and desires. I will have to sit and wait; and hope and see what happens over the next few months. Only time will tell.

My Hero

A few weeks ago I was reviewing a stack of papers pulled from the Dude's backpack. On the table, my eyes spotted a piece of type-written work. It was titled, "My Hero". I saw the word "Mom" written on it, so (of course) I picked it up to read it.

The Dude warns me, "that's my draft. I repeat myself a lot". Do I care if he repeats himself? Depends on what is writes I suppose. However, a good speech writer repeats their theme and message many times to ensure the audience walks away remembering what was said. I start reading. I read again. The misspellings are bothersome and sweet at the same time. He does repeat himself. Apparently the message is that I'm cool, so I find it difficult to criticize his repetitiveness.

Half-way through I'm crying. By the end of the last sentence, I'm sobbing. Loudly. I'm sobbing like the family dog just died. My Dude is sitting at the kitchen table with his shirt off, working on an assignment on the laptop. I'm standing on the opposite side of the table, reading the paper for a third time with tears streaming down my face. By now I'm sure you've guess that the assignment was to write about your hero. The Dude choose to write about me which is humbling. Most of us don't think of ourselves as heroes. In typical parenting response, we just do what we have to do. We don't have a choice. If we don't do it, who does? This is the working real definition of parent.

Afterward, I gave him a big hug and said thank you. His response was bewildered questioning, "Are you okay Mom?" I took a minute to compose myself, before explaining the happiness of my tears .

I started, "As a parent we don't know how we are doing. When you are older and a Dad, you'll understand better what I mean. Today, you gave me the best present. No one could have said it better." I continued, "Maybe I'm doing okay as a Mom."

Isn't this the hardest part of parenting? We don't know how we are doing. I'm far from parenting perfection. I have moments when I over-react and raise my voice too quickly, and my criticism isn't given constructively. Besides keeping our kids alive, we don't know if what we are doing will help them be successful, happy and want us around when they don't need us any longer for their survival.

I'm going to frame it. I plan to show it to him to remind him that he once thought I was "pretty cool" when he's a grumpy teenager. I'm kidding (or am I)? I'm going to keep it to remind myself that the doubts and insecurity I feel as a parent do not equal the reality of my parenting. My mantra on parenting: parent with conviction, honesty, love, compassion and my best effort (which some days isn't much). I will have moments of failure but I shall never be a failure.




Footnote **I've debated on posting the written work, but I've decided that it is special in it's imperfect sweetness and I am going to keep it private. I have a feeling that this entire blog and it's intimate details will be horrifying enough to a teenager someday. 

Oh Happy Tidings?!

I narrowly avoided a rather large calamity on the co-parenting holiday schedule front. I mixed up the Thanksgiving week schedule. Oh, all the things that I nearly did and averted only because flight times were not ideal. I would have bought tickets for the Dude and I to fly somewhere for days that I wouldn't have had him (and they would have been non-refundable because those are the best prices); or I nearly made plans to be away for Thanksgiving (when I would have had him) and eaten up the price of those tickets. Whew, luckily neither occurred due to timing and/or indecision. Can you imagine?

So, now I'm recovering and happily planning a Thanksgiving feast. My whole outlook has adjusted because for the last several months all I've been able to consider is that I will not have the Dude during the holidays. Of course his father deserves holiday time with him as well, but up until this year he's always been with me Christmas morning. I planned Santa's gift and evidence of his visit. We have Christmas traditions like matching pajamas, and family visits in the morning. Christmas morning isn't the same without children, and since he's been born I haven't known anything else. I love Christmas. I love the sentimentality of being with family and watching kids open their present in sugar-induced excitement. It was safe to say, I was feeling Scrooge-like and ready to ba-humbug my way through the holidays; and I was starting with Thanksgiving. I was angry at the insensitivity of the judge whose reply to my proposal to split up Christmas Eve and Christmas was, "He'll have two Christmases".

"Kids who believe in Santa don't have two Christmases" I internally rebutted.

My dream would be for neither parent to miss Christmas because it is special, but it isn't going to happen. I'm not sure I could put aside the terribleness of my ex to afford him an invitation (although in the past I had a couple of times); nor would he ever invite me. The reality of the situation as it is, must be like many of families during this time of year. It sucks. I'm sure whichever parent is without their kids during these holidays feel deprived. Perhaps it isn't a divorce, but a deployment. I know several families that will be apart during Christmas, and I'm sure they feel sad for missing out on the warmth of the season.

Snapping out of my self-described pity party has forced me to make a mental adjustment. I get to kick off Christmas by setting up our tree the day after Thanksgiving. The Dude is going to be with me to kick off the advent calendar; trimming the tree, and will be with me until the 15 of December. And for the next three weeks we're going to love the shit out of the holiday season. We're gonna do December nights, search for some cold weather and make cookies. When he comes back on the evening of the 26th, we're going to open presents and spend the next week celebrating the end of 2017 and another great year. I'm going to appreciate the time, rather than feel sorry for missing out because being a parent isn't about you. It is about your kid and doing what is best for them.

Happy Holidays!

Mom Guilt

This upcoming weekend is a long weekend, but I haven't made any plans to do anything. It isn't that I don't want to do anything, but I am in a blue state of mind (and I'm not talking about my political leanings).  The Dude spends the weekend per custody agreement with his father. Of course, it is important for him to spend time with his father. In our custody agreement we alternate the weekends. Standard co-parenting practice.

Alas, this brings us back to making no plans for the weekend. I make the most of these weekends, doing some shopping, cleaning and all those errands that sit for weeks. I appreciate the solitude of being alone. The quiet pace of following my instincts. Netflix marathons, making an omelette for breakfast and shopping for hours. Whatever I feel like doing. I'm not preoccupied, nor concerned about feeding a growing nine-year-old. Don't even ask me what I eat, but sometimes it is a bowl of cereal. It isn't single life, but it is become a way for me to balance my needs and individual desires. I started running races. I KNOW! 

In my village, I watch my friends and peers struggle every day with the balance of life. Running the kids to birthday parties, sports commitments and family time. I'm not even talking about school and work. Trying to find time for their interests, doctor appointments or exercise can be very difficult. Then the emotional weight women feel for taking the time for themselves. We have a name for it. Mom guilt. We volunteer at school, we transport our kids to various activities, we shop, make lunches, make dinner, help with homework and reading, we email, text and make time for our girl posse. Let's not forget those who bake. I love baking, but it seems like I can't get started until 8pm, which means I'm up until midnight or it becomes a two-day event. Or doesn't happen at all. Some of us may work outside of the home, and others kick ass without going to an office. BUT, we're all Moms doing the best we can. My village is wonderful. I have an amazing clan of women who make me laugh, help me through my tears, and sometimes kidnap me for an evening out. Seriously, this happens.

It is interesting to be forced to send your child away. It is a forced kid-free time period. This freedom provides me with a Mom guilt-free time, and I learned a lot. I learned to embrace my identity that is both Mom but without child. I'm still The Dude's Mom, but I'm also Christina. I like watching Tarantino Movies, documentaries and eating a bowl of cereal for dinner because I only dirty two objects and I need not cook a thing! Cheese and crackers and shrimp cocktail are other go to favorites because the Dude wouldn't have it.

My point is that my forced time away, is not any different from my married friends who take similar time for themselves. There is no shame, there is no reason to feel guilt. We need to stop of the madness of being Mom 24/7, because whether or not we're mothering we'll always be Mom. We can take the night away, the weekend off and guess what - everyone will survive. Since when did the bar become so insane that women can't spend time for themselves? We need to show our kids how to parent, and how to balance family and self. It doesn't make you less of a Mom. Mom is quantity of time spent with our child, but the quality of time. It is why the movie Bad Moms resonated with so many women. So, plan that movie date to see Bad Moms 2; or take the weekend away.

I'll leave one last thought. We need to stop with the guilt gifting. You know I'm talking to you! Kids do not need a special activity because we decide to take time for ourselves. They do not need a present because you went away for the weekend. We shouldn't be obliged as an exchange for time away. Kids don't care, they will either be happy your back; or wish you took the night off again because Dad rocked it with take-away food and movie night. Alright ladies, go have fun and regret nothing.