An Education in Justice

I am keenly aware that my situation isn't extreme, nor a cautionary tale of co-parenting battles. It is rather middle of the road in terms of family strife.

Here are 15 things I learned from spending hours researching family matters, the thousands spent on attorneys and many court visits later.

15. Financial support means nothing in terms of parenting. Custody and support are two unrelated issues in family law. I know!

14. I'm very happy knowing I did not pursue a legal career, become a DA or Judge. It all seems very depressing. Important, but overwhelming and depressing.

13. Free resources. Use if you must, but the adage "you get what you pay for" applies.

12. Find areas of compromise. 

11. Develop thick skin. Be prepared to listen to lies and dishonest portrayals of your character. Be prepared for attacks and vicious naming calling. 

10. Best interests of the child are not to be confused with one's (parent's) desire.

9. There is always someone in a worse situation. Sit in a family courtroom. It's heartbreaking. 

8. If you have two options, pick the one that makes you least happy. It is probably the right thing to do.

7. As a parent, we can't fix all our kid's problems. This includes the other parent. People are flawed. We can't protect our kids from the realities of life, but we can prepare them to cope.

6. Judges speak legalese. Lawyers are interpreters. Absolutely necessary. If you want to be understood, spend the money.

5. You can't legislate or litigate someone into doing the right thing. People must want to do it. We can place restrictions and threaten, but neither are effective methods. 

4. Be prepared to absorb the abuse or other parent's poor decisions. It is far better to know you acted with integrity. Bad behavior is eventually noticed.

3. The standard in family law is set low. One must be immediately dangerous. Therefore, anything less is really just parenting values and difference of opinion.

2. Website research will make you bonkers. Don't google family law matters. Your sanity is too important. Go hire a lawyer.

1. CYA your interactions. Document everything.

It is a long and difficult road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I hate. It is a lose-lose. It is important to have people close to you. People who support you and your child. I have friends who give me amazing advice that doesn't consist of making that douchebag suffer! Rather, support us with thoughtful suggestions to de-escalate perceived conflict. This is something I've come to appreciate more over the past year. For all of those struggling through their co-parenting relationships. Hang in there! Fight the important fight and let the rest go.