Big Little Lies

I read Big Little Lies before watching the show. The hit novel translates to a hit show because all picture perfect, social media crafted lives hide secrets. Some big, some little. Those white lies that we all tell to get through our day, or explain an absence or why we're running late.

We live in community with a lot of affluence, educated and successful neighbors surrounding me on all sides. The dark underbelly hidden by closed doors contain those two words that we see discussed a lot these days. Privilege and entitlement. These are the themes that provide the fodder for great stories. It makes for good entertainment. As a writer, we're often taught to draw from our personal experiences. We take an element, an aspect of the truth and shape it into something else. If only life were so simple. Art imitates life, not the other way around. We come up with the stories, but we forget too often that someone lives it.

In the news we've had multiple incidents of men in powerful positions, leveraging those positions to physically or sexually assault a woman. Let's label those people as a creative genius, or big personality. Quick-tempered or my favorite - emotional. I suggest they should be called what they really are - abusive. All to often, we're forced to work or live with someone who is volatile. Obscene. Abusive.

Let's be clear what we're talking about here. A woman in a relationship with a man who belittles her, who tells her he loves her one moment to sending messages calling her a cunt. If this woman were your sister, your mother or your best friend, would we tell her that's not right? Implore her to leave him? What if she can't. What if she has to continue working with this person, who attacks her on a weekly basis with messages of hate and calls her names ranging from fat to stupid to bitch? Should we just turn the other cheek and deal with it?

We are a polite society. Can I still use this phrase? People will jump on the bandwagon, but no one wants to drive. It takes one person with strong resolve and nerves of steel to make the first claim. Others eventually jump aboard. Then you see EVERYONE jumping on how wrong it is. Abusers get away with it because they can. They are entitled to lose their temper or have moments of poor decisions. I don't have to look at the latest headlines to see this. I see it in my own life. I'm in an abusive relationship that I can't end; and I just have to deal with it. Accept it.

Hmmm. Let's think about this. I'm not entitled to peace. I'm not entitled to my phone messages not containing vile language threatening me and calling my family faggots. I am responsible for not only my actions; but his actions towards me. Sound familiar? I'm fairly certain that is what abusers tell their victims. You made me mad and I couldn't help myself. Don't be a dummy, don't be so stupid. I'm smarter than you, so you should let me make all the decisions.

Well, the feminist in me says, WTF. The realist in me says, nothing you can do. The mother in me says, I refuse to allow my son to learn and repeat this behavior as appropriate. The rest of me says, there are a lot of women experiencing the same thing. They want a way out, they want a wagon to jump onto. The writer in me says, write, write it all down. 

I'm not the person who shrinks in pressure situations. I may not succeed, but I'm not going to back down either. Failure lies only in not doing your best. It takes many people stepping forward before momentum of change happens. Many of these abusers stay because we victim shame. When it comes to abused women, we often hold them accountable. We hold them accountable for sexual assault. It's a slippery slope to be a woman; and the shit always runs downhill. 

We need to do better. We need to not be polite society and turn away from disgusting behavior. We should demand more. It isn't easy to share these secrets because they are more than just a custody issue. Those details are simple and I'm not embarrassed by them.

So, the question is, why am I embarrassed to share that my ex regularly verbally abuses me? It is because we blame the victim. We give permission to abusers by making excuses. He just wants more time with his child. He loves his child. For the record, two weeks ago he wrote me and confessed that he loves me and our child more than anything in the world. Ahhh, that's it. He's hurt and heartbroken. He's just not expressing himself in a healthy way. No shit? Really? I'm pretty sure when I've been heartbroken I call my girlfriends, who cheer me up with drinks or chocolate or retail therapy. To be fair, I've contributed to the volatile situation. I stood up for myself. I know how I want to parent and I have strong opinions that I will represent. I will not back down in doing what I feel is right. This is how I've contributed to the situation.

He wrote on many occasions that I made him treat me like this. It is my fault. I mad him angry and he lost his temper. The following is my fault (according to him):

He's not working

He refuses to pay support

He lost his Uber job

He lost his Uber car

He lost his license

He quit his job

He loses his temper

He calls me stupid, fat or idiot

He owes 38,000 in child support arrears

It didn't start out like this, but I saw the dark hostility on two occasions before we had our child. Maybe I should have known. I certainly had concerns, but excused them away as one-offs or bad days. Fast forward, we have to co-parent, so I'm left with a court-order to use a communication tool. He gets multiple platforms by which to harass and demean me. Lucky me. I joke because there is no other way to deal. To cry would give him the power that he's getting to me; and I refuse to be defeated by a bully abuser. Some days his anger and hostility become distractions. Some nights I can't sleep well because I know I'm going to have to engage him or ask him a question because I refuse to let him change my commitment to providing our child with the best possible everything. Occasionally, I am energized and feel defiant. I am motivated to not be a victim. I put on a brave front, when really I just want to stay in bed; and pray he will die. Too harsh? When you have someone who torments you for a long enough period of time, which there seems no solution, no end, one prays for their death because the need for peace overwhelms all else. I have no compassion left for him. He evokes nothing from me but fear, angst and frustration. Every interaction we have causes an overwhelming feeling of dread and powerlessness that I've got to continue to co-parent with someone who continues to verbally abuse me.

After a terrible two days, I am having one of those defiant days. Let's be clear. Two days ago I was sent this message after our child support court date, 

"If you post or write one more thing about me I will end your fat ass" followed up by, "You are a cunt"

So what happens now will be my fault? Is this the message we want to send to our girls? Is this what we're telling our boys is okay? There was a lot of discussion about locker room talk in the fall. I recall Billy Bush lost his job, but America elected the other guy who actually suggested assaulting a woman is allowed because you're entitled. I have only one response to this sense of entitlement. 

I call Bullshit.