Domestic Violence Awareness Project

I have so many friends besides me who have experienced or continue to live with it. There is a difference between getting mad and abusing. We've all lost our temper, but we're not talking about those moment. Over time, in a love story, love got twisted and tangled. I believe abuse is so prevalent that we accept it as the ugly side of loving. It is not. Love doesn't have an ugly side, and maybe this is where we need to change the story.

I didn't notice it at first. I didn't see the 'control measure' that were employed. I don't even know if my he understands what he's doing when he does it. It doesn't matter if he is systematically repeating what he experienced or if he's intentionally doing it. What matters is that he uses his words as weapons to hurt, undermine my self-esteem and ultimately intimidate or control me.

Here are a few warnings signs:

• The abuser only says things privately to you (not in public). He sends me messages via phone or email. He rarely 'loses' it in public. Often this is a sign of escalation and should be a cause of concern for physical safety. 
• They allude or threaten to physically assault you. There have been a handful of occasions. The last time I left, he was blocking the stairs as I was trying to move out. I vividly remember his standing up and moving towards me with a jerk like a fighter in the ring. I was shocked because there had never been an indication of violence prior to that moment. My reaction was immediate. I asked him, "are you going to hit me?". It was so surreal.
• The language and tone are one-way. In my case, he constantly calls me stupid, dumb, ignorant, fat and repeats that our son will grow up to believe the same thing about me. 
• They minimize your feelings. 
• They shame you. I experienced this a lot, often in the form of back-handed compliments. This attacks a person's self-confidence as the abuser tries to chip away in order to maintain control.
• It often doesn't begin until a life-event occurs. Of course I can see the signs now, but the verbal abuse didn't begin until after our son was born.
• You feel like you need permission to go somewhere.
• They control the finances.
• They give you disapproving feedback or looks. When we would go out with friends, he would give me a look or tap my leg under the table to signal that he thought my story was boring or if I was talking too much.
• They don't show empathy or compassion
• They emotionally withhold, become distant to punish you or get their way. 
• They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams. \
• They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect. After an evening out at pub trivia with friends, he would be upset at me for not voting for his answer, or for selecting someone else's answer. I still deal with his anger because I take other people's side or listen to their input over his.
• They don't take responsibility or blame others for their problems. This is a big one. I can't say this enough. Run, do not walk.

It is a terrible situation to have to live in; and made more difficult when children are involved. It continues to impact our child. He has gone to counseling, so he can understand words matter, his feelings are valid, and how to express them in a healthy manner. As a parent we want to shield our children from any pain. This isn't always possible when it is a parent causing it.

I don't want to stereotype either. An abuser can be a man or woman. It can be your boss, your partner or parent. If someone makes you feel badly about yourself, it probably isn't a healthy relationship. Abusers aren't bad people, but they have a problem that isn't easily fixed and most likely will never be addressed because they do not take responsibility for their actions.

We live in a volatile world, where we're a bit disconnected from our words. There is cyber-bullying and trolling reaching epidemic proportions. We need to start understanding that words are weapons and we're causing so much damage to our children. Verbal and emotional abuse lead to depression, anxiety and suicide. We have a responsibility to stop tolerating it. We need to talk about it. We need to educate people about it. We need to stand up for the victims and not make them sit in silence. We need to support them, so they know they aren't alone in it. We need to report it.

In the United States, we raise awareness during October on a few of these related issues. Please support ending verbal and emotional abuse by visiting the Anti-Bullying Campaign or Domestic Violence Awareness Project. Let's work together to end it.