An Education in Justice

I am keenly aware that my situation isn't extreme, nor a cautionary tale of co-parenting battles. It is rather middle of the road in terms of family strife.

Here are 15 things I learned from spending hours researching family matters, the thousands spent on attorneys and many court visits later.

15. Financial support means nothing in terms of parenting. Custody and support are two unrelated issues in family law. I know!

14. I'm very happy knowing I did not pursue a legal career, become a DA or Judge. It all seems very depressing. Important, but overwhelming and depressing.

13. Free resources. Use if you must, but the adage "you get what you pay for" applies.

12. Find areas of compromise. 

11. Develop thick skin. Be prepared to listen to lies and dishonest portrayals of your character. Be prepared for attacks and vicious naming calling. 

10. Best interests of the child are not to be confused with one's (parent's) desire.

9. There is always someone in a worse situation. Sit in a family courtroom. It's heartbreaking. 

8. If you have two options, pick the one that makes you least happy. It is probably the right thing to do.

7. As a parent, we can't fix all our kid's problems. This includes the other parent. People are flawed. We can't protect our kids from the realities of life, but we can prepare them to cope.

6. Judges speak legalese. Lawyers are interpreters. Absolutely necessary. If you want to be understood, spend the money.

5. You can't legislate or litigate someone into doing the right thing. People must want to do it. We can place restrictions and threaten, but neither are effective methods. 

4. Be prepared to absorb the abuse or other parent's poor decisions. It is far better to know you acted with integrity. Bad behavior is eventually noticed.

3. The standard in family law is set low. One must be immediately dangerous. Therefore, anything less is really just parenting values and difference of opinion.

2. Website research will make you bonkers. Don't google family law matters. Your sanity is too important. Go hire a lawyer.

1. CYA your interactions. Document everything.

It is a long and difficult road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I hate. It is a lose-lose. It is important to have people close to you. People who support you and your child. I have friends who give me amazing advice that doesn't consist of making that douchebag suffer! Rather, support us with thoughtful suggestions to de-escalate perceived conflict. This is something I've come to appreciate more over the past year. For all of those struggling through their co-parenting relationships. Hang in there! Fight the important fight and let the rest go. 

Going Home Again

Today I was reminded of past memories from Facebook. Popping up on my feed was a series of pictures posted 9 years ago. We had moved from Boston to San Diego. The cross-country move was something I hadn't contemplated. I'm not one to live in the past. Returning to San Diego felt like revisiting the past. I had become a city dweller. I loved not owning a car, living in the hustle of the city and it's wealth of history. I never wanted to be part of suburbia, bedroom communities and strip malls. The reality of spending hours of my life in car commuting to work is cringe-worthy. 

The decision was made quickly, within two weeks from the time the original idea came up. It was having a child that made me reassess. Childcare in the city was crazy expensive. Schools in city proper would be either private school or moving from my beloved adopted North End neighborhood. Winters meant lots of planning to keep kids active and entertained. I had lots of friends, but no family. I found this to be the deciding factor. For everyone it is different. I was raised without family close by. I missed out of the stories of cousins hanging out, relationships with Grandparents. For me, I missed having those close ties and fond memories that defined my childhood. Besides, growing up in San Diego was a positive experience.

It was hard to leave, but not as hard as I thought because I was excited about the possibilities ahead. Coming home gave me strength to leave an unhealthy relationship because there is something undeniable about the mirror 'home' provides. We can't lie to those who really know us the best. 2018 will mark a decade since I made the decision to go home. Three friends from my Boston days have moved here, and I am still close with several others. I have landed a role at a company that matched how appreciated and valued I felt in Boston at Partners Healthcare. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to have created strong friendships and a great community.

I can see my fear about coming home wasn't about the past, rather I was afraid it meant defeat.  Fearing I would wash away all the growth and experience. Nearly a decade later I know that I followed my path to explore who I wanted to be, about discovering my likes and dislikes. It was my need for self-determination. My fear was unfounded. I look at the photo by the pier, holding the Dude. I know now that making that decision to go back home was the ultimate act of self-determination. It was the second best decision I made in my life, next to becoming a mother. 

Wishing everyone peace and love.

Saying Goodbye to 2017

Reflecting back, 2017 wasn't terrible to me. There was room for growth and room for improvement, but there were positive revelations that occurred. Here are my top ten things I learned from last year.

1. Friends reveal themselves through their actions and support when you need it.
2. The truth does set you free.
3. Bad experience is just a valuable (if not more) than a good experience.
4. I love being alone as much as I love being with people. Different and equally awesome.
5. Public persona is not reality, but a limited viewpoint of real life.
6. I still love playing basketball. I can't like I once did, but I'm more motivated to keep playing in some capacity.
7. Quality trumps quantity in every category.
8. The effort that goes into your friendships matter, and social media is not real effort. As I said to a certain gal last week, I'll take face time with her anyway I can get it, even if it means shopping in Kohl's for 3+ hours.
9. Keep life simple. Try not to get bogged down with stuff.
10. I feel closer to my family (specifically my parents) than I have in past years. Maybe it has to do with parenthood?

Happy New Year!