My bestie (or one of them) has a term she uses to describe those people in our life who exhaust us with their negativity, energy vampire. Like the blood sucker who leave you dead, these suckers thrive on positive energy of the people around them.
As adults, we can choose to cut these people off. We eventually see them for what they are, and we end those relationships. What if the energy sucker is a parent? What if the victim is a child? It is difficult enough to find the balance between pushing our children into what we believe is best for them, and allowing them to be who they are through discovery and experience. I observe this on a daily basis within youth sports and my own life.
We all know those parents. We cringe as they publicly ridicule or chide their child (and we're talking about children ten and younger). We can see the child's physical demeanor alter. We can sense or see their fear or sadness wash over them as they receive their parents' critique of their performance or instruction. We know when it crosses the line. We all know when we've pushed to hard. We're human and we all make mistakes in our way we choose to love our children.
However, I'm not talking about those parents. Specifically, I'm talking of my own personal experience over the last few years of watching the Dude play baseball. I'm talking about how an unhappy and unfulfilled person slowly sucks the energy out of his child in pursuit of making him better. If this sounds like someone in your own child's life, or sounds like you, it is never too late to check yourself. The line isn't so fine between pushing your child for their betterment and pushing them for your own egotistical needs.
I've thought and thought about this. I've struggled with how to help the Dude with the intensity that comes with his father. I've made the excuses for him. I've told him repeatedly how his father loves him, and just wants him to be the best he can be. I tried to believe it, but I don't. I know he's living through the Dude. He's an energy sucker and sees the Dude as an extension of himself. Fully formed and unable to make mistakes. His need to strive for perfection (which we all know is unattainable) through his child. His unforgiving demands upon his child.
This brings me back to the point of energy suckers in our children's life. How do we help our children cope with them? What to do when the person is your parent? I don't have the answer. I've sought therapy and court-action. It isn't illegal to be an ass hole. Therapy doesn't work when you can't end the relationship, and the other person doesn't want to participate. Recently, the Dude declared his desire to be a professional baseball player. A kid's dream. Isn't it the best when our kids have these amazing lofty goals, even when we know as adults the path is hard and unlikely? I love the possibility of hope and dreams. It is the most beautiful thing about our children.
Over the course of the last 8 months, I've heard the Dude repeatedly say he no longer wants to play. I wondered if it is the struggle and work, or if it is something else? I know it is something else. The constant critique has worn away his confidence and stifled the joy of playing. The Dude is smart enough that he understands that baseball is ruining their relationship. Perhaps by no longer playing, he can once again receive the acceptance he desperately wants from his father. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious. At the end of the day, we want our parents to be proud of us. I know it's still how I feel, and I'm a grown adult.
The irony is, his father has a lot he could do in his own behaviors and life to improve upon. It is always easier to look outward than inward. We all know this to be true as well. Instead he sees the potential and vitality of his child and sucks energy from him to sustain his own life. It is wrong. There is no excuse I can make to justify it. The Dude isn't alone in his experience. It will not be until much, much later that he'll understand, and have the experience and wisdom to know this. I just hope that he continues to keep dreaming. Childhood ends when we stop dreaming, and ten is to young to stop being a child.
Please don't be an energy vampire.
Peace & Love.
