Ending Childhood Dreams Too Soon

My bestie (or one of them) has a term she uses to describe those people in our life who exhaust us with their negativity, energy vampire. Like the blood sucker who leave you dead, these suckers thrive on positive energy of the people around them.

As adults, we can choose to cut these people off. We eventually see them for what they are, and we end those relationships. What if the energy sucker is a parent? What if the victim is a child? It is difficult enough to find the balance between pushing our children into what we believe is best for them, and allowing them to be who they are through discovery and experience. I observe this on a daily basis within youth sports and my own life.

We all know those parents. We cringe as they publicly ridicule or chide their child (and we're talking about  children ten and younger). We can see the child's physical demeanor alter. We can sense or see their fear or sadness wash over them as they receive their parents' critique of their performance or instruction. We know when it crosses the line. We all know when we've pushed to hard. We're human and we all make mistakes in our way we choose to love our children.

However, I'm not talking about those parents. Specifically, I'm talking of my own personal experience over the last few years of watching the Dude play baseball. I'm talking about how an unhappy and unfulfilled person slowly sucks the energy out of his child in pursuit of making him better. If this sounds like someone in your own child's life, or sounds like you, it is never too late to check yourself. The line isn't so fine between pushing your child for their betterment and pushing them for your own egotistical needs.

I've thought and thought about this. I've struggled with how to help the Dude with the intensity that comes with his father. I've made the excuses for him. I've told him repeatedly how his father loves him, and just wants him to be the best he can be. I tried to believe it, but I don't. I know he's living through the Dude. He's an energy sucker and sees the Dude as an extension of himself. Fully formed and unable to make mistakes. His need to strive for perfection (which we all know is unattainable) through his child. His unforgiving demands upon his child.

This brings me back to the point of energy suckers in our children's life. How do we help our children cope with them? What to do when the person is your parent? I don't have the answer. I've sought therapy and court-action. It isn't illegal to be an ass hole.  Therapy doesn't work when you can't end the relationship, and the other person doesn't want to participate. Recently, the Dude declared his desire to be a professional baseball player. A kid's dream. Isn't it the best when our kids have these amazing lofty goals, even when we know as adults the path is hard and unlikely? I love the possibility of hope and dreams. It is the most beautiful thing about our children.

Over the course of the last 8 months, I've heard the Dude repeatedly say he no longer wants to play. I wondered if it is the struggle and work, or if it is something else? I know it is something else. The constant critique has worn away his confidence and stifled the joy of playing. The Dude is smart enough that he understands that baseball is ruining their relationship. Perhaps by no longer playing, he can once again receive the acceptance he desperately wants from his father. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious. At the end of the day, we want our parents to be proud of us. I know it's still how I feel, and I'm a grown adult.

The irony is, his father has a lot he could do in his own behaviors and life to improve upon. It is always easier to look outward than inward. We all know this to be true as well. Instead he sees the potential and vitality of his child and sucks energy from him to sustain his own life. It is wrong. There is no excuse I can make to justify it. The Dude isn't alone in his experience. It will not be until much, much later that he'll understand, and have the experience and wisdom to know this. I just hope that he continues to keep dreaming. Childhood ends when we stop dreaming, and ten is to young to stop being a child.

Please don't be an energy vampire.
Peace & Love.

Girls Run the World

I'm long overdue for a post. For those who may not know, today is International Women's Day. To celebrate today, I would encourage everyone to donate to an organization that works with building up and supporting young girls in their development; and to reach their greatest potential. Women are the backbone of society. We birth life, primarily raise children and contribute to the workforce in greater amounts every day. The more we raise our girls to feel their value and provide meaningful platforms for their voices, the better we will all be. We will thrive.

My favorite organization locally (San Diego area) is Girls Rising. Girls Rising is a non-profit that focuses on at-risk girls with mentoring big sister relationships, and supports their emotional well-being. This organization does real work in our neighborhoods, impacting the lives of families throughout San Diego. Being a parent, I understand how so much of my worry and stress revolves around the well-being of my child. When there are programs and people that truly care and support my child, they are supporting me too. Girls Rising's mentor program does this and without organizations like them, these girls will fall short.

On the ex-US front, I like Girl Effect. Founded by Nike, it's now its own non-profit. The work they do around the world is to bring the stories to the public; and to give voices to girls through various mediums and across all platforms. 

In many places children are silent. Adults believe they should be silent and not heard. Their voices do not matter. Just look at how the Florida legislator mocked the survivors from Parkland. However, we should be praising their activism. We should continue to encourage all children, especially our girls to speak up for what they believe. No child should ever be told they are children and should not have opinions. A community leader denigrates these young people, with their legitimate right to voice their feelings and opinions on policy matters that impact their lives. Just imagine how those children on the fringes of our society or in other countries must live in silence because they never find their way to the platform.

Happy International Women's Day!

An Education in Justice

I am keenly aware that my situation isn't extreme, nor a cautionary tale of co-parenting battles. It is rather middle of the road in terms of family strife.

Here are 15 things I learned from spending hours researching family matters, the thousands spent on attorneys and many court visits later.

15. Financial support means nothing in terms of parenting. Custody and support are two unrelated issues in family law. I know!

14. I'm very happy knowing I did not pursue a legal career, become a DA or Judge. It all seems very depressing. Important, but overwhelming and depressing.

13. Free resources. Use if you must, but the adage "you get what you pay for" applies.

12. Find areas of compromise. 

11. Develop thick skin. Be prepared to listen to lies and dishonest portrayals of your character. Be prepared for attacks and vicious naming calling. 

10. Best interests of the child are not to be confused with one's (parent's) desire.

9. There is always someone in a worse situation. Sit in a family courtroom. It's heartbreaking. 

8. If you have two options, pick the one that makes you least happy. It is probably the right thing to do.

7. As a parent, we can't fix all our kid's problems. This includes the other parent. People are flawed. We can't protect our kids from the realities of life, but we can prepare them to cope.

6. Judges speak legalese. Lawyers are interpreters. Absolutely necessary. If you want to be understood, spend the money.

5. You can't legislate or litigate someone into doing the right thing. People must want to do it. We can place restrictions and threaten, but neither are effective methods. 

4. Be prepared to absorb the abuse or other parent's poor decisions. It is far better to know you acted with integrity. Bad behavior is eventually noticed.

3. The standard in family law is set low. One must be immediately dangerous. Therefore, anything less is really just parenting values and difference of opinion.

2. Website research will make you bonkers. Don't google family law matters. Your sanity is too important. Go hire a lawyer.

1. CYA your interactions. Document everything.

It is a long and difficult road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I hate. It is a lose-lose. It is important to have people close to you. People who support you and your child. I have friends who give me amazing advice that doesn't consist of making that douchebag suffer! Rather, support us with thoughtful suggestions to de-escalate perceived conflict. This is something I've come to appreciate more over the past year. For all of those struggling through their co-parenting relationships. Hang in there! Fight the important fight and let the rest go. 

Going Home Again

Today I was reminded of past memories from Facebook. Popping up on my feed was a series of pictures posted 9 years ago. We had moved from Boston to San Diego. The cross-country move was something I hadn't contemplated. I'm not one to live in the past. Returning to San Diego felt like revisiting the past. I had become a city dweller. I loved not owning a car, living in the hustle of the city and it's wealth of history. I never wanted to be part of suburbia, bedroom communities and strip malls. The reality of spending hours of my life in car commuting to work is cringe-worthy. 

The decision was made quickly, within two weeks from the time the original idea came up. It was having a child that made me reassess. Childcare in the city was crazy expensive. Schools in city proper would be either private school or moving from my beloved adopted North End neighborhood. Winters meant lots of planning to keep kids active and entertained. I had lots of friends, but no family. I found this to be the deciding factor. For everyone it is different. I was raised without family close by. I missed out of the stories of cousins hanging out, relationships with Grandparents. For me, I missed having those close ties and fond memories that defined my childhood. Besides, growing up in San Diego was a positive experience.

It was hard to leave, but not as hard as I thought because I was excited about the possibilities ahead. Coming home gave me strength to leave an unhealthy relationship because there is something undeniable about the mirror 'home' provides. We can't lie to those who really know us the best. 2018 will mark a decade since I made the decision to go home. Three friends from my Boston days have moved here, and I am still close with several others. I have landed a role at a company that matched how appreciated and valued I felt in Boston at Partners Healthcare. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to have created strong friendships and a great community.

I can see my fear about coming home wasn't about the past, rather I was afraid it meant defeat.  Fearing I would wash away all the growth and experience. Nearly a decade later I know that I followed my path to explore who I wanted to be, about discovering my likes and dislikes. It was my need for self-determination. My fear was unfounded. I look at the photo by the pier, holding the Dude. I know now that making that decision to go back home was the ultimate act of self-determination. It was the second best decision I made in my life, next to becoming a mother. 

Wishing everyone peace and love.

Saying Goodbye to 2017

Reflecting back, 2017 wasn't terrible to me. There was room for growth and room for improvement, but there were positive revelations that occurred. Here are my top ten things I learned from last year.

1. Friends reveal themselves through their actions and support when you need it.
2. The truth does set you free.
3. Bad experience is just a valuable (if not more) than a good experience.
4. I love being alone as much as I love being with people. Different and equally awesome.
5. Public persona is not reality, but a limited viewpoint of real life.
6. I still love playing basketball. I can't like I once did, but I'm more motivated to keep playing in some capacity.
7. Quality trumps quantity in every category.
8. The effort that goes into your friendships matter, and social media is not real effort. As I said to a certain gal last week, I'll take face time with her anyway I can get it, even if it means shopping in Kohl's for 3+ hours.
9. Keep life simple. Try not to get bogged down with stuff.
10. I feel closer to my family (specifically my parents) than I have in past years. Maybe it has to do with parenthood?

Happy New Year!

Worst Day Ever!

We all have that day where you shout at the sky above like Nancy Kerrigan, "Why me?!" or declare you need to go back to bed. I experienced this full throttle last Saturday. I kept trying to look ahead but it just kept falling apart. When I look back to this weekend, it is certainly not something I wish to remember. Let me set the scene.

East county basketball tournament on Saturday. My communication neglected the location.I had not realized until "Where is the tournament" popped up on text, when our son should already be at the gym. Oh shit! Fortunately, I blocked certain words. The text messages received next read, "You are a Ducking moron" and "Where you dumb cubt", which were disturbing and amusing.  Word blocking on your phone works! I highly recommend it.

The upsetting part isn't the messages because I've grown numb to those. It was his instruction to the Dude to not speak to me and pulling him away in between games. I was so surprised, but I didn't pursue it because I didn't want to cause a scene. However, after the game I tried again to speak to him again, wanting to give him a hug and console a disappointing loss. My ex physically prevented me from hugging him with his arm. Before I was able to say more than, "You can't prevent me from speaking to him"; he turned and focused a verbal rage upon another parent. The whole scene escalated as my ex verbally attacked him and my own Dad for intervening. I could feel the whole gym watching. My eyes darted between the two men and the Dude's face. I still see his eyes wide-opened with fear.

My ex continues to alienate himself and therefore our son because of his actions. My ex spews hate and it catches up to him. He will continue to behave irrationally, and the Dude is the person who suffers. I am not even angry because it is heart-breaking to see the Dude's sweet face with a look of panic and fear; and not be able to protect him. I can't even hug him because he's with his father for the next week.

After that spectacular morning, I'm committed to holiday party and Cake concert. At least I have fun to look forward to. Right? Yeah, but remember it is worst day ever! I gathered myself and two bottles of wine, and make my way to a holiday party. Just before I'm ready to leave the party to pick up my friend, I get a serious of texts telling me the concert isn't going to happen because there is a mix-up with the guest list. I've had this concert on the books for nearly a month. I'm crushed, but still not broken. I rallied with amusing conversation and great company. Thank goodness I decided at 11th hour to go to this party, otherwise I would be at home alone. I guarantee you, it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I probably would have spent the evening therapeutically sobbing at episodes of "This is Us". Ordering pizza and feeling sorry for myself. Let's just say, I still sobbed at some made for Netflix show, just without the pizza because I arrived home later.

Sunday morning, I woke up refreshed. New day, right? Not done yet. If you lost count, misfortune occurs in threes. My neighbor walks up the sidewalk towards my door holding his bike chain. "They cut my chain and took my bike." he says. "You should probably move yours". Whew, thank goodness. My bike is still there. I get myself together, newly motivated to go for a bike ride, and head down to move my bike - except only the Dude's bike is there. Next to it is another old cruiser bike that the thieves decided to bestow upon me. How very nice of them. Yeah, it wasn't a good 24 hours for me. My Dad bought the bike for Christmas last year, didn't even last a year. People suck.

Still determined to not let horrible people break me, I decided Christmas shopping would be a good distraction. Except people still suck. Of course, as I sit in my car, signal flashing, having waited politely for nearly 3-4 minutes for a car to pull out of a spot, another woman stops facing opposite me, pulls into the newly vacated parking spot. REALLY???? I decided this is not okay. I waited for her to exit her car. After politely explaining I have been waiting for the spot, she says she was on that side of the aisle so it's her spot (seriously, this was her justification) and begins to walk away. I politely and loudly exclaimed, "You are so rude. You are a perfect example of what is wrong with our country" concluded with "Have a wonderful Christmas!"

It is all relative. In the bigger picture these are just small misfortunes. We still have our health. The Dude has a many loving family and friends who will make up for those less-able to do the right thing. What doesn't break you will make you stronger. Right? I had said this earlier to my Dad, but now what goes through my head (thank goodness for inside voice),"F*ck it. You better break me because if I can get up, I'm going to get up and break your nose."