Say Nothing

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting with my friend at the Violent Femmes concert. The band had started. Two or three songs into their set, and most of the crowd took to sitting in their seats. Two women, on our left, remained standing. I could hear a man yelling for them to sit down. I saw one woman turn around, and politely decline. She wanted to stand and dance. Obviously, this was a significant slight to the man (two rows behind); and he responded by heckling the two women. When he realized that wasn't going to work, he proceeded to go to the empty seats in front of them, wildly dancing. At this point, I thought he would get it out of his system. Suddenly, he turned around and faced them. Standing in front of these two (much shorter) women he remained for about 30 seconds waving his hands around, while standing one foot away from one woman's face. Not once did these woman do anything, raise their voices or act rudely. It was at this point I had to say something.

     "You look like a complete ass hole. Everyone is looking at you, because you are the crazy ass hole in this situation." 

     We exchanged a few statements. He tried to justify his behavior because "they wouldn't sit down". 

     "We're at a concert. They are dancing and having a good time. There is nothing wrong with what they are doing" I responded. He said his friend couldn't see. I suggested to him they stand up. 

     He accused me, "You're taking their side because I have a penis." 

First, I agreed with him. I believe he used his male stature to intimidate them into behaving the way he wanted them to. He behaved like a bully. I'm not going to sit by when I see someone bullying, and shaming a woman because she wasn't doing what he wanted. The whole scene took just a few minutes to transpire. I explained to the guy, "Dude, it's a concert. People want to have fun and you're ruining the vibe. Have fun, don't be an ass hole." Of course, I delivered it with a smile. Eventually he returned to his seat and remained there for the rest of the concert. 

It's not okay for anyone to speak to someone like this. There were at least a dozen people who saw what was happening, sat there and did nothing. The truth for them could be different, but it could also be that it is easier to not get involved. To let the situation pass because in the scheme of things, it doesn't seem to be a big deal. Make the excuses for bad behaviors...blame the women for not sitting down, for whatever they did to cause it. They must have done something to perpetuate the situation. Some people act out badly to get their way. Truth is some people are miserable human beings. People pick on others and ridicule them because they feel powerless in their own lives; and want to feel powerful.

It's okay to make a poor decision, but take responsibility and apologize. We lose our temper. We have human moments. A bully wants to yell, mock and belittle someone else into submission. They use these tactics to feel powerful. When we do nothing and turn away, we become complicit. Understand the message we send, when we sit silently and say nothing.

"You are alone".
"You should do what he says".
"You deserve it".
"You are worthless".

As I responded to one of the women, after she leaned over to thank me, "You did nothing wrong."

Ending Childhood Dreams Too Soon

My bestie (or one of them) has a term she uses to describe those people in our life who exhaust us with their negativity, energy vampire. Like the blood sucker who leave you dead, these suckers thrive on positive energy of the people around them.

As adults, we can choose to cut these people off. We eventually see them for what they are, and we end those relationships. What if the energy sucker is a parent? What if the victim is a child? It is difficult enough to find the balance between pushing our children into what we believe is best for them, and allowing them to be who they are through discovery and experience. I observe this on a daily basis within youth sports and my own life.

We all know those parents. We cringe as they publicly ridicule or chide their child (and we're talking about  children ten and younger). We can see the child's physical demeanor alter. We can sense or see their fear or sadness wash over them as they receive their parents' critique of their performance or instruction. We know when it crosses the line. We all know when we've pushed to hard. We're human and we all make mistakes in our way we choose to love our children.

However, I'm not talking about those parents. Specifically, I'm talking of my own personal experience over the last few years of watching the Dude play baseball. I'm talking about how an unhappy and unfulfilled person slowly sucks the energy out of his child in pursuit of making him better. If this sounds like someone in your own child's life, or sounds like you, it is never too late to check yourself. The line isn't so fine between pushing your child for their betterment and pushing them for your own egotistical needs.

I've thought and thought about this. I've struggled with how to help the Dude with the intensity that comes with his father. I've made the excuses for him. I've told him repeatedly how his father loves him, and just wants him to be the best he can be. I tried to believe it, but I don't. I know he's living through the Dude. He's an energy sucker and sees the Dude as an extension of himself. Fully formed and unable to make mistakes. His need to strive for perfection (which we all know is unattainable) through his child. His unforgiving demands upon his child.

This brings me back to the point of energy suckers in our children's life. How do we help our children cope with them? What to do when the person is your parent? I don't have the answer. I've sought therapy and court-action. It isn't illegal to be an ass hole.  Therapy doesn't work when you can't end the relationship, and the other person doesn't want to participate. Recently, the Dude declared his desire to be a professional baseball player. A kid's dream. Isn't it the best when our kids have these amazing lofty goals, even when we know as adults the path is hard and unlikely? I love the possibility of hope and dreams. It is the most beautiful thing about our children.

Over the course of the last 8 months, I've heard the Dude repeatedly say he no longer wants to play. I wondered if it is the struggle and work, or if it is something else? I know it is something else. The constant critique has worn away his confidence and stifled the joy of playing. The Dude is smart enough that he understands that baseball is ruining their relationship. Perhaps by no longer playing, he can once again receive the acceptance he desperately wants from his father. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious. At the end of the day, we want our parents to be proud of us. I know it's still how I feel, and I'm a grown adult.

The irony is, his father has a lot he could do in his own behaviors and life to improve upon. It is always easier to look outward than inward. We all know this to be true as well. Instead he sees the potential and vitality of his child and sucks energy from him to sustain his own life. It is wrong. There is no excuse I can make to justify it. The Dude isn't alone in his experience. It will not be until much, much later that he'll understand, and have the experience and wisdom to know this. I just hope that he continues to keep dreaming. Childhood ends when we stop dreaming, and ten is to young to stop being a child.

Please don't be an energy vampire.
Peace & Love.

Girls Run the World

I'm long overdue for a post. For those who may not know, today is International Women's Day. To celebrate today, I would encourage everyone to donate to an organization that works with building up and supporting young girls in their development; and to reach their greatest potential. Women are the backbone of society. We birth life, primarily raise children and contribute to the workforce in greater amounts every day. The more we raise our girls to feel their value and provide meaningful platforms for their voices, the better we will all be. We will thrive.

My favorite organization locally (San Diego area) is Girls Rising. Girls Rising is a non-profit that focuses on at-risk girls with mentoring big sister relationships, and supports their emotional well-being. This organization does real work in our neighborhoods, impacting the lives of families throughout San Diego. Being a parent, I understand how so much of my worry and stress revolves around the well-being of my child. When there are programs and people that truly care and support my child, they are supporting me too. Girls Rising's mentor program does this and without organizations like them, these girls will fall short.

On the ex-US front, I like Girl Effect. Founded by Nike, it's now its own non-profit. The work they do around the world is to bring the stories to the public; and to give voices to girls through various mediums and across all platforms. 

In many places children are silent. Adults believe they should be silent and not heard. Their voices do not matter. Just look at how the Florida legislator mocked the survivors from Parkland. However, we should be praising their activism. We should continue to encourage all children, especially our girls to speak up for what they believe. No child should ever be told they are children and should not have opinions. A community leader denigrates these young people, with their legitimate right to voice their feelings and opinions on policy matters that impact their lives. Just imagine how those children on the fringes of our society or in other countries must live in silence because they never find their way to the platform.

Happy International Women's Day!

An Education in Justice

I am keenly aware that my situation isn't extreme, nor a cautionary tale of co-parenting battles. It is rather middle of the road in terms of family strife.

Here are 15 things I learned from spending hours researching family matters, the thousands spent on attorneys and many court visits later.

15. Financial support means nothing in terms of parenting. Custody and support are two unrelated issues in family law. I know!

14. I'm very happy knowing I did not pursue a legal career, become a DA or Judge. It all seems very depressing. Important, but overwhelming and depressing.

13. Free resources. Use if you must, but the adage "you get what you pay for" applies.

12. Find areas of compromise. 

11. Develop thick skin. Be prepared to listen to lies and dishonest portrayals of your character. Be prepared for attacks and vicious naming calling. 

10. Best interests of the child are not to be confused with one's (parent's) desire.

9. There is always someone in a worse situation. Sit in a family courtroom. It's heartbreaking. 

8. If you have two options, pick the one that makes you least happy. It is probably the right thing to do.

7. As a parent, we can't fix all our kid's problems. This includes the other parent. People are flawed. We can't protect our kids from the realities of life, but we can prepare them to cope.

6. Judges speak legalese. Lawyers are interpreters. Absolutely necessary. If you want to be understood, spend the money.

5. You can't legislate or litigate someone into doing the right thing. People must want to do it. We can place restrictions and threaten, but neither are effective methods. 

4. Be prepared to absorb the abuse or other parent's poor decisions. It is far better to know you acted with integrity. Bad behavior is eventually noticed.

3. The standard in family law is set low. One must be immediately dangerous. Therefore, anything less is really just parenting values and difference of opinion.

2. Website research will make you bonkers. Don't google family law matters. Your sanity is too important. Go hire a lawyer.

1. CYA your interactions. Document everything.

It is a long and difficult road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I hate. It is a lose-lose. It is important to have people close to you. People who support you and your child. I have friends who give me amazing advice that doesn't consist of making that douchebag suffer! Rather, support us with thoughtful suggestions to de-escalate perceived conflict. This is something I've come to appreciate more over the past year. For all of those struggling through their co-parenting relationships. Hang in there! Fight the important fight and let the rest go. 

Going Home Again

Today I was reminded of past memories from Facebook. Popping up on my feed was a series of pictures posted 9 years ago. We had moved from Boston to San Diego. The cross-country move was something I hadn't contemplated. I'm not one to live in the past. Returning to San Diego felt like revisiting the past. I had become a city dweller. I loved not owning a car, living in the hustle of the city and it's wealth of history. I never wanted to be part of suburbia, bedroom communities and strip malls. The reality of spending hours of my life in car commuting to work is cringe-worthy. 

The decision was made quickly, within two weeks from the time the original idea came up. It was having a child that made me reassess. Childcare in the city was crazy expensive. Schools in city proper would be either private school or moving from my beloved adopted North End neighborhood. Winters meant lots of planning to keep kids active and entertained. I had lots of friends, but no family. I found this to be the deciding factor. For everyone it is different. I was raised without family close by. I missed out of the stories of cousins hanging out, relationships with Grandparents. For me, I missed having those close ties and fond memories that defined my childhood. Besides, growing up in San Diego was a positive experience.

It was hard to leave, but not as hard as I thought because I was excited about the possibilities ahead. Coming home gave me strength to leave an unhealthy relationship because there is something undeniable about the mirror 'home' provides. We can't lie to those who really know us the best. 2018 will mark a decade since I made the decision to go home. Three friends from my Boston days have moved here, and I am still close with several others. I have landed a role at a company that matched how appreciated and valued I felt in Boston at Partners Healthcare. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to have created strong friendships and a great community.

I can see my fear about coming home wasn't about the past, rather I was afraid it meant defeat.  Fearing I would wash away all the growth and experience. Nearly a decade later I know that I followed my path to explore who I wanted to be, about discovering my likes and dislikes. It was my need for self-determination. My fear was unfounded. I look at the photo by the pier, holding the Dude. I know now that making that decision to go back home was the ultimate act of self-determination. It was the second best decision I made in my life, next to becoming a mother. 

Wishing everyone peace and love.

Saying Goodbye to 2017

Reflecting back, 2017 wasn't terrible to me. There was room for growth and room for improvement, but there were positive revelations that occurred. Here are my top ten things I learned from last year.

1. Friends reveal themselves through their actions and support when you need it.
2. The truth does set you free.
3. Bad experience is just a valuable (if not more) than a good experience.
4. I love being alone as much as I love being with people. Different and equally awesome.
5. Public persona is not reality, but a limited viewpoint of real life.
6. I still love playing basketball. I can't like I once did, but I'm more motivated to keep playing in some capacity.
7. Quality trumps quantity in every category.
8. The effort that goes into your friendships matter, and social media is not real effort. As I said to a certain gal last week, I'll take face time with her anyway I can get it, even if it means shopping in Kohl's for 3+ hours.
9. Keep life simple. Try not to get bogged down with stuff.
10. I feel closer to my family (specifically my parents) than I have in past years. Maybe it has to do with parenthood?

Happy New Year!