Why I'm not a Single Parent

Let me start off by informing you that I dislike the term single-parent more than I dislike the use of boyfriend for anyone older than 25 (for those who know me, they have heard this before). Boyfriend sounds juvenile. The first phase of dating. However, what if all one wants is to date and not get married? Furthermore, I'm not interested in dating boys. You get the idea. It doesn't fit into my perception. Perception is reality after all. So, single-parent household? I'm a single-parent? Of course, it helps to define our lives and relationship status to the world. My beef isn't with its use, rather the emotional reaction that arrives with its use. It makes me cringe with shame.

Here's why - I don't feel like I'm a single-parent. To start off, I was never afraid of being a solo on a parenting path because I just don't think of it as solo. Although, there are times solo would come with considerable fewer number of headaches. I have a very supportive family. I'm close to my parents and my brother. I have a large extended bunch of Canucks, and an amazing web of friends, who are like family. If we limit the definition to: who financially supports and executes most of the day to day operations? Yes, I'll raise my hand and accept that role. However, it really stops there. We don't do this on our own. In my case, I get a set schedule of days off (which is both a positive and negative) a.k.a. our parenting plan schedule. I have parents who help me out by purchasing certain wants and needs, a.k.a. generous birthday/Christmas gifts, family trips and meals out. I have friends that feed me, not just my soul, but nourish my body with good eating. I'm fortunate that I know so many wizards in the kitchen. I'm surrounded by generosity. I'm not obtuse to this fact and I'm so appreciated everyday to be so fortunate. It is a blessing that not everyone is afforded.

Sure, the laundry, dishes, home checks (when the Dude is with me) and parenting duties (72 percent of the time) fall on me. Most of those things I would be doing for myself without a child anyways. Also, 95 percent of the 72 percent, I love. As exhausting as it is, I love every moment. The reward for adulting (successfully) is a feeling of empowerment. I can and will kick ass, but more importantly, I'm not singularly alone. So, don't commend or sympathize with me, but if you want to invite me over for a dinner, I'm free Wednesdays.

peace & love,
C.

Why Seeing People Like Us Matter

I read this article and immediately knew I had to share it. "(In) Visibility" by Maya Moore is worth the 5 minutes it will take you to read it. This article reminded me when I discovered Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club. I watched the movie before I read the book. It was the first time I had the experience of seeing someone I could physically relate to a movie. Someone with similar features and family dynamics. At least within one side of the family. I've had this feeling of inspiration 4 times in my life.

1. Watching the women's basketball team during the 1984 Olympics. 
2. Seeing Geraldine Ferraro run for Vice President
3. Watching For Love and Basketball
4. Watching the aforementioned Joy Luck Club 

Seeing people who look like you by race or gender do matter. When we can see ourselves in others, we can see what is possible. This is why representation matters in business, education, government, entertainment, etc...

Aiming for an A in Life

My colleague and I were discussing some personnel changes. She off-handily remarks how her first impression of me was that I was full of myself. Now, I'm trying best to recall her words, which were brutal and kind. I didn't take notes. I'm doing my best to paraphrase and express her sentiment. It was horrifying, humbling and affirming. All at the same time.

"I thought you were full of yourself she continues, "you had this confidence, and stated matter of fact, your opinions. You had a political background and talked about politics. But, as I got to know you, you are warm and have a great way of communicating your thoughts. I've come to appreciate it." She finished her reflection of my attributes with "Don't ever change." She repeated herself, "Don't ever change".

I don't pretend to be every one's favorite sort of person. Heck, I don't really want to be liked by everyone. Popularity has never appealed to me. I want to be liked by those I like, respect and admire. I'm opinionated, uncompromising to a fault. I'm loud. I'm judgmental. I try not to be, but aren't we all? Recently, I discovered a few truths about people that were not surprising, but disappointing. Luckily, these were women that weren't my favorite people. I made the decision early on about them. My judgment saved me some serious disappointment, as time always reveals one's true character.

Here are my top five qualities that excludes one from being my favorite sort of person (in no particular order):
1. Dishonesty. I don't mean white-lies or insignificant withholding...I'm talking deception and betrayal. The stuff dramatic soaps are made of...
2. Debbie-downers. It is just a coincidence if your name is Debbie. This isn't directed towards you. However, you may want to avoid being such a cliche if you're both a Debbie and a downer. Listening to you whine endlessly about shit is not how I want to spend my free time. Or worse, listening to you piss on someone else's parade. Go away.
3. Neediness/ highly insecure / major self-esteem issues. I can't. I don't fault you, but I can't fix you, help you, build you up, clean up after you, listen to you whine endlessly about shit that you could fix.
4. Hitting on/making out with someone else's boyfriend/husband/date. You get the idea right. I'm not talking about juvenile romance, but real grown up - kids involved - messy shit. We're suppose to support one another. Woman code. Don't break it.
5. Douchebag assholes. It is a catch-all. Need examples? Trumps, Michael Vick, Lance Armstrong and Martin Shkreli to name just a few.

There isn't enough free time to spend it on those that aren't your favorite people. I'm super blessed because I've managed to hit some out of the park home runs in the friend game. Some people have to tolerate me, while others seem to like me at least, 90 percent of the time. Willingly. Without bribes!! I'm pretty happy with 90 percent. It's an A, and I'll take it.

Peace&Love
C.


“Only a few find the way; some don’t recognize it when they do; some don’t ever want to.” – The Cheshire Cat

Finding My Voice

It's been over a month since I've written a post. I've been busy with  getting back to a work/school schedule. I've been too busy with life to want to write. Let me explain. Writing is a cathartic exercise for me. I write about my feelings, my thoughts and life to share my perspective. It isn't about the validation. It is a need to express my thoughts and feelings without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I can say what I feel. As a result, I've come to accept, and grown comfortable with my feelings and the conflict that surrounds me in life. I gained a new perspective because I've released the shame, frustration and feelings of failure I carried around with me. I didn't even know how those feelings were undermining my growth until the last few months. Writing forced me to confront a situation, and reflect on it in a way that speaking about it with close friends doesn't provide. In writing this blog, I've found my voice. Now, it's up to me to continue to use it. This is the next hurdle I will need to work on. The discipline required to continually write.

I appreciate everyone who has taken time to read it. I appreciate your kinds words of support, your thoughts, and sharing your stories. You helped me along this journey to get to this point, and I couldn't be here without each of you.
Peace and Love,
C.

Finding Perspective in Co-parenting

How do we move forward with every interaction, every mistake seems to be magnified?

Parenting is difficult enough. I'm at the point to be able to let the past be. I'm over it. Also, I'm over trying to make a point, or seek fairness (life isn't fair). Lastly, I do not wish to waste time nor energy fighting. We can only control our actions and reactions. 

I really wish my co-parent felt the same way. Don't misunderstand, nothing has changed in our circumstances, but I suppose my perspective over the last six months has dramatically altered. I still wouldn't shed a treat at his funeral. There wouldn't be any kind words, as this would be absolutely fake. However, I've come to accept that I can either feed into the dysfunction and negativity; or I can keep moving forward, and keep my eyes on the prize. Doing what's best for our Dude.

When responses are snarky, if they come at all - it's hard. It's hard to be nice, rather than honest. I discount much of his attitude because I try to be compassionate and see his perspective. I sometimes wonder what I could do, to encourage better commu wetnication. At the end of the day, my experience and heart tells me, nothing. People walk their path in life. They make choices, which often have little to do with anyone but themselves. Our ego, conscience and values I suppose form the basis from which we make decisions. I can only control my actions, so I do try my best. 

I know part of the issue is that he has paying me child support. It may actually be the main issue. How do I remedy this? I could close the order, but he'll still owe me 40k in arrears. If I were to forgive his arrears, would this be a heater that he would just stop the hostility? These are things I think about often. Then, I remember that people are responsible for their actions. It is his choice to neot pay for many years, his choice to not work to avoid wage garnishment. I'm left with knowing that I'm not going to feel guilty for pursuing child support. I just need to remind myself that he will continue to be any with me because I did pursue it, and I need to own this action and live with the consequence. 

Things should be easy, like signing kids up for water polo or basketball, but instead become issues. Accusations of bullying and manipulation are made. We're talking sports. You know what happens when sports become an issue of angst. Kids don't play. Kids become emotionally distant from anything they think causes angst. Who wants to invite angst into their life?  I certainly do not. Which brings me back to, what's best for the Dude. 

Tonight I heard the kids talking about security people they know. At one point, one child said, "he's useless". 

     The Dude responded, "he's being kind." 

Perspective is everything. He reminds me, how Grace shows up in the world. How a kind heart always serves us better. When I heard this exchange, it impressed upon me that we must be doing something right. It only takes one person to decide to try to make things better, to take the high road, and to practice Grace. I hope to hold onto this memory as motivation. We'll see how it goes, 

❤️ & Peace,

C.

Hardest Part of Growing Up

There are a few milestones we experience that often signify adulthood. Some of us may experience buying a home, getting married or becoming parents. Those are joyous occasions that mark the beginning of new adventures and new chapters. Then life dips, where we feel like failures. We regretfully make poor choices. These are all experiences we must have, and can't be avoided. Together these experiences shape us.

Starting in my early thirties, my friends and I had many celebrations of life. Weddings and births of children. These events added more joy than heartbreak. During the same time period, I started to witness and experience  relationships changing and some ending. I wasn't heartbroken when I left, but as I had written before, I had been embarrassed. I stayed longer than I would have because I didn't want to have "failed", or "wasted" those years. Today I realize that no relationship is wasted, no relationship fails. We're not failures. We need to redefine how we think about our relationships. Whether they are familial, romantic or friendships. They help us to define our worth. We learn from what worked and what didn't. We learn about ourselves. We learn our limits, and how we should treat others. We shape our values through these experiences. Ultimately, we decide our worth.

I know how much I learn from my friends. I've surrounded myself with some amazing people. People I trust, people who are smart and make me a better person. I've also witnessed my short-comings. I know to promise (occasionally). I can value the differences, as much as the similarities, of my friends and our friendships. I have a best friend who is my polar opposite, but still is my person. It doesn't diminish my sincere affection for her. I defined values and priorities that are important to me, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Relationships are all about compromising, but settling for less than one's worth because one is afraid of being alone is damaging. Eventually those cracks become to much to hide.

It was my Mom who said to me, "You can spend 10 years with someone being polite. You will look back, realizing you've spent your prime of your life in a snap". Relationships don't ever fail because there is no mark of "success". Being married for 20, 25 or 50-years isn't a measure of success. Success is living an honest life, in-accord with your values. Perhaps we should remove the need to measure relationships, and everyone would be happier? After all, it takes two to have a relationship. One person doesn't control the outcomes. It only takes one person to affect, change and alter the outcome. Time after time, I hear friends say they feel ashamed and embarrassed for it not working out, or for their  spouse/partner's actions. The best thing we can do for ourselves is take responsibility for our own actions. Other people are responsible for their actions. It's never a reflection upon us. Just as how we behave isn't a reflection upon anyone else.

The reality is more often that not, relationships have a shelf life. Not everyone is meant to stay. Sometimes people come along to contribute something wonderful (like the Dude). Devaluing your worth based on fear and compromising out of love. Those are two different choices. Always choose love.  ❤️-C.