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Wednesday, August 19, 2020
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Where do we go from here
If you are a friend of mine and follow me on social media, you see my posts.
If you are a friend of mine and hang out with me, you hear my opinions.
If you have read my blog, I've posted political or social commentary - this post will not be a surprise to you.
I know there is head shaking, eye-rolling and maybe even fear among so many of us over the last few months if not longer. It's so important that we understand each other. Really understand each other and how we ended up in this spot. I've un-friended and un-followed people over the last couple of weeks. I know others have done this too. People are watching, judging and some are taking action. People are complex creatures. I do believe people are innately good. It is our society, our parents, our culture and life that spoils us.
We justify terrible things happening to people because they 'deserve it', they made choices and those consequences are theirs to suffer. It isn't always that simple. We're not all raised in-like situations. We're not all given the same tools and support to make the best choices. We're not all given second chances equally. We're not all able to make the best choice because of we don't start from the same spot. It is why our compassion is crucial in society. I'd argue that it is most important for those in the ruling class and America does have a ruling class. Most of my friends are part of that ruling class. It is why I feel such a responsibility to speak out. We have to exercise our compassion to understand that our society has been built upon inequities that are steeped in ethnocentrism.
I don't come from much. I had a modest childhood. I learned early the importance of education, the importance of having the 'right friends' and I had the ability to be able to make good choices. I could transition between social classes and ethnic groups because I had one foot in each, but I'm always aware that I am perceived as other. By gender or racial identity. I was a tomboy (a term I dislike). I've always been good for a girl. I've been called 'exotic' and mistaken for Hispanic, Native, Filipino, Latina, Hawaiian. My ethnicity has never . My friends always remind me of this. It isn't done with maliciousness, it's not anything that I take offense because it is part of my experience, but it has shaped my views and my actions. It is why I'm passionate about advocating for equality and injustice. I'm crying as I type this because I'm tired and frustrated.
In 2004 I worked my last campaign in Florida. It hurt. I never cried after losing a race before. Feeling helpless and realizing that voters don't care. Worse of all, that the political system I believed in and had faith in, was broken for many people. Disenfranchised. I was heart broken because I had this dream that I could make a difference, engaging voters in democracy to get elected officials to make better policy that will create a more equal society for everyone. I felt betrayed by the system. The curtain had been pulled up and I saw the man, who was more concerned about maintaining a ruling class. I realized to get to that point, some of those people I worked for had turned their back and refuted their values in order to join the party. I didn't want to participate to be 'accepted with conditions'.
What does that mean? During the second world war, Japanese and their American children were interned. Those children we're asked to show their allegiance to America by joining the military to fight against the Japanese. That's accepted with conditions. Rather than suffer injustice, they joined. They joined because their choice was to suffer to go to war. They were accepted as American only on this condition. Accepted with conditions.
White people can't understand. It's not possible no matter how poor or how much you've overcome. It is a complex history. It isn't about removing history, but understanding that the history we've learned has come at the expense of great injustice to so many others. It's about recognizing that history taught to us minimizes or excludes the experiences of people of color. We've addressed this through charity. Black history or Women's history month, rather than to overhaul the curriculum to be inclusive of all history.
We've long dehumanized large swaths of society. People of color, the poor, LGBTQ+. We've made ourselves feel better by choosing to support charity, rather than do the hard and uncomfortable work of making meaningful change through policy and systemic change. We continue to come short on foreign policy because we continue to practice ethnocentrism, believing we're inherently better.
Here we are. Two weeks of protest. Riots. Calls to "Defund the Police". We are still in a pandemic that has taken over 100,000 lives in America. It will probably take another 100,000 by the end of the year. We watched too many times as lives were taken, and the crime was being Black. Their value was less, their rights diminished until we all watched George Floyd. However, his death wasn't the first time the Black community has raised the issue of injustice stemming from racial prejudices, racism. Bad apples, solo incidents; but they are a continuing pattern of injustice (and racism) against Black boys and men. As we sit with nothing much to do, our collective society experienced Floyd's death. It illustrated the brutality of the police, and the compliance of those officers who did nothing to stop it. George Floyd made bad choices in his life, but his life had value. For the first time in a long time, the Black community wasn't alone in their anger. They weren't alone in their calls for justice. If you aren't aware, there are dozens and dozens of incidents of police brutality against people of color being shared on the internet since Floyd's murder. I'm not going to get into a debate on the "defund the police", but I will say that we must listen. We must not discount the outrage and ignore the problem because we don't agree with the approach.
How many times have you heard, "I give to charity" or "I support that cause"? In polite society we don't talk sex or politics? Don't rock the boat? I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't have the answers, but I know that we must all put aside polite society and talk about these issues. Shining a light on them is unpleasant. We must admit America hasn't been great for many people, so when we say make America great again, what does that mean to all those people who have been oppressed. It doesn't mean we can't strive to be better than we were yesterday, but it starts with us. It starts by saying it aloud. "We've got a problem and we must work on it." It is going to be a lifelong pursuit of happiness. All of us together have to be committed. Those who aren't affected, those who may be scared, those who are tired and most importantly, those that have the power to make change. To those who have never felt "other", who never feared being stripped of their liberty based on their race, gender, sexuality, sexual-orientation, made to be less, this is a plea for you to make a different choice, a choice to be part of a better America. We must participate in the dialogue, support discourse and reforms and vote for people who will do the work. Get informed, Get involved and Get out there and Vote. I have faith in you.
Love and Peace - C.
If you are a friend of mine and hang out with me, you hear my opinions.
If you have read my blog, I've posted political or social commentary - this post will not be a surprise to you.
I know there is head shaking, eye-rolling and maybe even fear among so many of us over the last few months if not longer. It's so important that we understand each other. Really understand each other and how we ended up in this spot. I've un-friended and un-followed people over the last couple of weeks. I know others have done this too. People are watching, judging and some are taking action. People are complex creatures. I do believe people are innately good. It is our society, our parents, our culture and life that spoils us.
We justify terrible things happening to people because they 'deserve it', they made choices and those consequences are theirs to suffer. It isn't always that simple. We're not all raised in-like situations. We're not all given the same tools and support to make the best choices. We're not all given second chances equally. We're not all able to make the best choice because of we don't start from the same spot. It is why our compassion is crucial in society. I'd argue that it is most important for those in the ruling class and America does have a ruling class. Most of my friends are part of that ruling class. It is why I feel such a responsibility to speak out. We have to exercise our compassion to understand that our society has been built upon inequities that are steeped in ethnocentrism.
I don't come from much. I had a modest childhood. I learned early the importance of education, the importance of having the 'right friends' and I had the ability to be able to make good choices. I could transition between social classes and ethnic groups because I had one foot in each, but I'm always aware that I am perceived as other. By gender or racial identity. I was a tomboy (a term I dislike). I've always been good for a girl. I've been called 'exotic' and mistaken for Hispanic, Native, Filipino, Latina, Hawaiian. My ethnicity has never . My friends always remind me of this. It isn't done with maliciousness, it's not anything that I take offense because it is part of my experience, but it has shaped my views and my actions. It is why I'm passionate about advocating for equality and injustice. I'm crying as I type this because I'm tired and frustrated.
In 2004 I worked my last campaign in Florida. It hurt. I never cried after losing a race before. Feeling helpless and realizing that voters don't care. Worse of all, that the political system I believed in and had faith in, was broken for many people. Disenfranchised. I was heart broken because I had this dream that I could make a difference, engaging voters in democracy to get elected officials to make better policy that will create a more equal society for everyone. I felt betrayed by the system. The curtain had been pulled up and I saw the man, who was more concerned about maintaining a ruling class. I realized to get to that point, some of those people I worked for had turned their back and refuted their values in order to join the party. I didn't want to participate to be 'accepted with conditions'.
What does that mean? During the second world war, Japanese and their American children were interned. Those children we're asked to show their allegiance to America by joining the military to fight against the Japanese. That's accepted with conditions. Rather than suffer injustice, they joined. They joined because their choice was to suffer to go to war. They were accepted as American only on this condition. Accepted with conditions.
White people can't understand. It's not possible no matter how poor or how much you've overcome. It is a complex history. It isn't about removing history, but understanding that the history we've learned has come at the expense of great injustice to so many others. It's about recognizing that history taught to us minimizes or excludes the experiences of people of color. We've addressed this through charity. Black history or Women's history month, rather than to overhaul the curriculum to be inclusive of all history.
We've long dehumanized large swaths of society. People of color, the poor, LGBTQ+. We've made ourselves feel better by choosing to support charity, rather than do the hard and uncomfortable work of making meaningful change through policy and systemic change. We continue to come short on foreign policy because we continue to practice ethnocentrism, believing we're inherently better.
Here we are. Two weeks of protest. Riots. Calls to "Defund the Police". We are still in a pandemic that has taken over 100,000 lives in America. It will probably take another 100,000 by the end of the year. We watched too many times as lives were taken, and the crime was being Black. Their value was less, their rights diminished until we all watched George Floyd. However, his death wasn't the first time the Black community has raised the issue of injustice stemming from racial prejudices, racism. Bad apples, solo incidents; but they are a continuing pattern of injustice (and racism) against Black boys and men. As we sit with nothing much to do, our collective society experienced Floyd's death. It illustrated the brutality of the police, and the compliance of those officers who did nothing to stop it. George Floyd made bad choices in his life, but his life had value. For the first time in a long time, the Black community wasn't alone in their anger. They weren't alone in their calls for justice. If you aren't aware, there are dozens and dozens of incidents of police brutality against people of color being shared on the internet since Floyd's murder. I'm not going to get into a debate on the "defund the police", but I will say that we must listen. We must not discount the outrage and ignore the problem because we don't agree with the approach.
How many times have you heard, "I give to charity" or "I support that cause"? In polite society we don't talk sex or politics? Don't rock the boat? I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't have the answers, but I know that we must all put aside polite society and talk about these issues. Shining a light on them is unpleasant. We must admit America hasn't been great for many people, so when we say make America great again, what does that mean to all those people who have been oppressed. It doesn't mean we can't strive to be better than we were yesterday, but it starts with us. It starts by saying it aloud. "We've got a problem and we must work on it." It is going to be a lifelong pursuit of happiness. All of us together have to be committed. Those who aren't affected, those who may be scared, those who are tired and most importantly, those that have the power to make change. To those who have never felt "other", who never feared being stripped of their liberty based on their race, gender, sexuality, sexual-orientation, made to be less, this is a plea for you to make a different choice, a choice to be part of a better America. We must participate in the dialogue, support discourse and reforms and vote for people who will do the work. Get informed, Get involved and Get out there and Vote. I have faith in you.
Love and Peace - C.
Tuesday, April 07, 2020
Our "new normal"??
It's day...heck, I've lost count what day it is our 'new reality' or 'new normal' or whatever people call this situation. I, like many others who live in California, working from home and doing their best to follow stay-at-home orders. I experienced several different feelings of disbelief, annoyance, worry, anger, frustration, sadness. Not just for myself, but for those who are greatly affected. I understand my privilege. I am able to work from home with very little inconvenience. I have steady income and am without concern for job security because I'm fortunately working in a sector (healthcare/med device) that is vital, even more so under these circumstances. I'm not missing any milestones of my youth, like senior-year activities, college graduation, child-births or weddings. It is relatively easy for me to make modest adjustments and I'm doing my best to keep this perspective.
It doesn't mean I'm not without feelings, since feelings are a result of your perspective and personal experiences. I'm adjusting to the indefiniteness of our current situation. I've decided to take it day by day. Being present and not looking forward is very helpful way for me to manage this situation. This is not my natural instinct. I have goals, make plans and have fun things to look forward to. My friend and I were suppose to go to see Allen Stone last night. Next week, we were suppose to be at Pearl Jam.
Maybe it helps me that I have always lived with a certain level of uncertainty and change. My childhood was loving, but came with a high-level of turbulence during adolescence. It wasn't until I was in my early 30's that I really began to crave stability and set roots. It is true that everything in your life leads you to where you are, because all those experiences shape how one chooses to react to their circumstances.
I've written before how blessed I am to have a great support system. We don't get through life on our own. For me, reaching out to various people whether it's a phone call, video chat or text has always been my outlet. Feeding my soul through meaningful interactions with people I care about and those who care about me. The basic needs of our being doesn't change under these circumstances. Love, food, exercise and sleep, but they are magnified because we don't have all the other distractions filling our time. Trying to keep it simple seems to be working for me. Oh, and retail therapy. And naps. Everyone knows I love a good nap.
Here are three things I've done this week:
Hang in there. Be kind to each other, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. If you don't fill your cup up, you can't have anything to fill up the cups of others.
Love and Peace,
C.
It doesn't mean I'm not without feelings, since feelings are a result of your perspective and personal experiences. I'm adjusting to the indefiniteness of our current situation. I've decided to take it day by day. Being present and not looking forward is very helpful way for me to manage this situation. This is not my natural instinct. I have goals, make plans and have fun things to look forward to. My friend and I were suppose to go to see Allen Stone last night. Next week, we were suppose to be at Pearl Jam.
Maybe it helps me that I have always lived with a certain level of uncertainty and change. My childhood was loving, but came with a high-level of turbulence during adolescence. It wasn't until I was in my early 30's that I really began to crave stability and set roots. It is true that everything in your life leads you to where you are, because all those experiences shape how one chooses to react to their circumstances.
I've written before how blessed I am to have a great support system. We don't get through life on our own. For me, reaching out to various people whether it's a phone call, video chat or text has always been my outlet. Feeding my soul through meaningful interactions with people I care about and those who care about me. The basic needs of our being doesn't change under these circumstances. Love, food, exercise and sleep, but they are magnified because we don't have all the other distractions filling our time. Trying to keep it simple seems to be working for me. Oh, and retail therapy. And naps. Everyone knows I love a good nap.
Here are three things I've done this week:
- Started a two person book club with a friend.
- Set up a group chat with former work colleagues.
- Designed/ordered supplies to make my balcony a retreat, so I can feel a cozy escape when needed.
Hang in there. Be kind to each other, and more importantly, be kind to yourself. If you don't fill your cup up, you can't have anything to fill up the cups of others.
Love and Peace,
C.
Friday, January 31, 2020
Let’s go!!
What occurred today, whether you think Trump should be ousted from office, is thoroughly an embarrassment for the 51 who voted no to calling witnesses in the Senate trial.
Everyone one of them should be voted out of office. They are guilty of putting party and self-interest before country. Senators are suppose to be above politics and vote their conscience. For them to essentially say, witnesses need not be heard, they aren’t doing their duty. If you think they are voting their conscience, may I remind everyone... this is the same do nothing senate led by the slimiest of sewer rats, McConnell.
If they don’t want to do the job, let’s agree to give another person a chance. Our senate has become 🦥 -like, are obese from years of decadence. Time to clean the chamber out.
Let’s go!!!!!! 2020, 2022, 2024. Each of the 51 will be up for re-election during one of these years.
Doing nothing is unacceptable. What sort of trial has no witnesses without a dismissal. Now they want to vote to “acquit “ before state of the union. It’s our government and we need to take it back. Regardless of party, if we continue down this path, we are all complicit in the failing of our government. We have no one to blame by ourselves.
We do have the power to make things better. Our votes appoint them. We give them our proxy. We give them our trust. These 51 no longer deserve it. Neither does this administration. They are using hate to gain power and deflection to maintain it.
We should all lift each other up. Enough with ideological politics. It is what allows power to be maintained. Find and build upon what we share, what is common between us. Lift up communities that need it because when we do that, we all benefit. Fixing systems can’t be done in one election, one term. It take a visionary to create a path, and a commitment from all of us to continue to walk down that path.
“We’re all one.
One nation under god, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for ALL. “
They have forgotten their pledge, let’s not forget our ballots.
Everyone one of them should be voted out of office. They are guilty of putting party and self-interest before country. Senators are suppose to be above politics and vote their conscience. For them to essentially say, witnesses need not be heard, they aren’t doing their duty. If you think they are voting their conscience, may I remind everyone... this is the same do nothing senate led by the slimiest of sewer rats, McConnell.
If they don’t want to do the job, let’s agree to give another person a chance. Our senate has become 🦥 -like, are obese from years of decadence. Time to clean the chamber out.
Let’s go!!!!!! 2020, 2022, 2024. Each of the 51 will be up for re-election during one of these years.
Doing nothing is unacceptable. What sort of trial has no witnesses without a dismissal. Now they want to vote to “acquit “ before state of the union. It’s our government and we need to take it back. Regardless of party, if we continue down this path, we are all complicit in the failing of our government. We have no one to blame by ourselves.
We do have the power to make things better. Our votes appoint them. We give them our proxy. We give them our trust. These 51 no longer deserve it. Neither does this administration. They are using hate to gain power and deflection to maintain it.
We should all lift each other up. Enough with ideological politics. It is what allows power to be maintained. Find and build upon what we share, what is common between us. Lift up communities that need it because when we do that, we all benefit. Fixing systems can’t be done in one election, one term. It take a visionary to create a path, and a commitment from all of us to continue to walk down that path.
“We’re all one.
One nation under god, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for ALL. “
They have forgotten their pledge, let’s not forget our ballots.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Why I'm not a Single Parent
Let me start off by informing you that I dislike the term single-parent more than I dislike the use of boyfriend for anyone older than 25 (for those who know me, they have heard this before). Boyfriend sounds juvenile. The first phase of dating. However, what if all one wants is to date and not get married? Furthermore, I'm not interested in dating boys. You get the idea. It doesn't fit into my perception. Perception is reality after all. So, single-parent household? I'm a single-parent? Of course, it helps to define our lives and relationship status to the world. My beef isn't with its use, rather the emotional reaction that arrives with its use. It makes me cringe with shame.
Here's why - I don't feel like I'm a single-parent. To start off, I was never afraid of being a solo on a parenting path because I just don't think of it as solo. Although, there are times solo would come with considerable fewer number of headaches. I have a very supportive family. I'm close to my parents and my brother. I have a large extended bunch of Canucks, and an amazing web of friends, who are like family. If we limit the definition to: who financially supports and executes most of the day to day operations? Yes, I'll raise my hand and accept that role. However, it really stops there. We don't do this on our own. In my case, I get a set schedule of days off (which is both a positive and negative) a.k.a. our parenting plan schedule. I have parents who help me out by purchasing certain wants and needs, a.k.a. generous birthday/Christmas gifts, family trips and meals out. I have friends that feed me, not just my soul, but nourish my body with good eating. I'm fortunate that I know so many wizards in the kitchen. I'm surrounded by generosity. I'm not obtuse to this fact and I'm so appreciated everyday to be so fortunate. It is a blessing that not everyone is afforded.
Sure, the laundry, dishes, home checks (when the Dude is with me) and parenting duties (72 percent of the time) fall on me. Most of those things I would be doing for myself without a child anyways. Also, 95 percent of the 72 percent, I love. As exhausting as it is, I love every moment. The reward for adulting (successfully) is a feeling of empowerment. I can and will kick ass, but more importantly, I'm not singularly alone. So, don't commend or sympathize with me, but if you want to invite me over for a dinner, I'm free Wednesdays.
peace & love,
C.
Here's why - I don't feel like I'm a single-parent. To start off, I was never afraid of being a solo on a parenting path because I just don't think of it as solo. Although, there are times solo would come with considerable fewer number of headaches. I have a very supportive family. I'm close to my parents and my brother. I have a large extended bunch of Canucks, and an amazing web of friends, who are like family. If we limit the definition to: who financially supports and executes most of the day to day operations? Yes, I'll raise my hand and accept that role. However, it really stops there. We don't do this on our own. In my case, I get a set schedule of days off (which is both a positive and negative) a.k.a. our parenting plan schedule. I have parents who help me out by purchasing certain wants and needs, a.k.a. generous birthday/Christmas gifts, family trips and meals out. I have friends that feed me, not just my soul, but nourish my body with good eating. I'm fortunate that I know so many wizards in the kitchen. I'm surrounded by generosity. I'm not obtuse to this fact and I'm so appreciated everyday to be so fortunate. It is a blessing that not everyone is afforded.
Sure, the laundry, dishes, home checks (when the Dude is with me) and parenting duties (72 percent of the time) fall on me. Most of those things I would be doing for myself without a child anyways. Also, 95 percent of the 72 percent, I love. As exhausting as it is, I love every moment. The reward for adulting (successfully) is a feeling of empowerment. I can and will kick ass, but more importantly, I'm not singularly alone. So, don't commend or sympathize with me, but if you want to invite me over for a dinner, I'm free Wednesdays.
peace & love,
C.
Monday, March 04, 2019
Why Seeing People Like Us Matter
I read this article and immediately knew I had to share it. "(In) Visibility" by Maya Moore is worth the 5 minutes it will take you to read it. This article reminded me when I discovered Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club. I watched the movie before I read the book. It was the first time I had the experience of seeing someone I could physically relate to a movie. Someone with similar features and family dynamics. At least within one side of the family. I've had this feeling of inspiration 4 times in my life.
- Watching the women's basketball team during the 1984 Olympics.
- Seeing Geraldine Ferraro run for Vice President
- Watching For Love and Basketball
- Watching the aforementioned Joy Luck Club
Seeing people who look like you by race or gender do matter. When we can see ourselves in others, we can see what is possible. This is why representation matters in business, education, government, entertainment, etc...
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Aiming for an A in Life
My colleague and I were discussing some personnel changes. She off-handily remarks how her first impression of me was that I was full of myself. Now, I'm trying best to recall her words, which were brutal and kind. I didn't take notes. I'm doing my best to paraphrase and express her sentiment. It was horrifying, humbling and affirming. All at the same time.
"I thought you were full of yourself she continues, "you had this confidence, and stated matter of fact, your opinions. You had a political background and talked about politics. But, as I got to know you, you are warm and have a great way of communicating your thoughts. I've come to appreciate it." She finished her reflection of my attributes with "Don't ever change." She repeated herself, "Don't ever change".
I don't pretend to be every one's favorite sort of person. Heck, I don't really want to be liked by everyone. Popularity has never appealed to me. I want to be liked by those I like, respect and admire. I'm opinionated, uncompromising to a fault. I'm loud. I'm judgmental. I try not to be, but aren't we all? Recently, I discovered a few truths about people that were not surprising, but disappointing. Luckily, these were women that weren't my favorite people. I made the decision early on about them. My judgment saved me some serious disappointment, as time always reveals one's true character.
Here are my top five qualities that excludes one from being my favorite sort of person (in no particular order):
1. Dishonesty. I don't mean white-lies or insignificant withholding...I'm talking deception and betrayal. The stuff dramatic soaps are made of...
2. Debbie-downers. It is just a coincidence if your name is Debbie. This isn't directed towards you. However, you may want to avoid being such a cliche if you're both a Debbie and a downer. Listening to you whine endlessly about shit is not how I want to spend my free time. Or worse, listening to you piss on someone else's parade. Go away.
3. Neediness/ highly insecure / major self-esteem issues. I can't. I don't fault you, but I can't fix you, help you, build you up, clean up after you, listen to you whine endlessly about shit that you could fix.
4. Hitting on/making out with someone else's boyfriend/husband/date. You get the idea right. I'm not talking about juvenile romance, but real grown up - kids involved - messy shit. We're suppose to support one another. Woman code. Don't break it.
5. Douchebag assholes. It is a catch-all. Need examples? Trumps, Michael Vick, Lance Armstrong and Martin Shkreli to name just a few.
There isn't enough free time to spend it on those that aren't your favorite people. I'm super blessed because I've managed to hit some out of the park home runs in the friend game. Some people have to tolerate me, while others seem to like me at least, 90 percent of the time. Willingly. Without bribes!! I'm pretty happy with 90 percent. It's an A, and I'll take it.
Peace&Love
C.
“Only a few find the way; some don’t recognize it when they do; some don’t ever want to.” – The Cheshire Cat
Here are my top five qualities that excludes one from being my favorite sort of person (in no particular order):
1. Dishonesty. I don't mean white-lies or insignificant withholding...I'm talking deception and betrayal. The stuff dramatic soaps are made of...
2. Debbie-downers. It is just a coincidence if your name is Debbie. This isn't directed towards you. However, you may want to avoid being such a cliche if you're both a Debbie and a downer. Listening to you whine endlessly about shit is not how I want to spend my free time. Or worse, listening to you piss on someone else's parade. Go away.
3. Neediness/ highly insecure / major self-esteem issues. I can't. I don't fault you, but I can't fix you, help you, build you up, clean up after you, listen to you whine endlessly about shit that you could fix.
4. Hitting on/making out with someone else's boyfriend/husband/date. You get the idea right. I'm not talking about juvenile romance, but real grown up - kids involved - messy shit. We're suppose to support one another. Woman code. Don't break it.
5. Douchebag assholes. It is a catch-all. Need examples? Trumps, Michael Vick, Lance Armstrong and Martin Shkreli to name just a few.
There isn't enough free time to spend it on those that aren't your favorite people. I'm super blessed because I've managed to hit some out of the park home runs in the friend game. Some people have to tolerate me, while others seem to like me at least, 90 percent of the time. Willingly. Without bribes!! I'm pretty happy with 90 percent. It's an A, and I'll take it.
Peace&Love
C.
“Only a few find the way; some don’t recognize it when they do; some don’t ever want to.” – The Cheshire Cat
Wednesday, October 03, 2018
Finding My Voice
It's been over a month since I've written a post. I've been busy with getting back to a work/school schedule. I've been too busy with life to want to write. Let me explain. Writing is a cathartic exercise for me. I write about my feelings, my thoughts and life to share my perspective. It isn't about the validation. It is a need to express my thoughts and feelings without feeling vulnerable and exposed. I can say what I feel. As a result, I've come to accept, and grown comfortable with my feelings and the conflict that surrounds me in life. I gained a new perspective because I've released the shame, frustration and feelings of failure I carried around with me. I didn't even know how those feelings were undermining my growth until the last few months. Writing forced me to confront a situation, and reflect on it in a way that speaking about it with close friends doesn't provide. In writing this blog, I've found my voice. Now, it's up to me to continue to use it. This is the next hurdle I will need to work on. The discipline required to continually write.
I appreciate everyone who has taken time to read it. I appreciate your kinds words of support, your thoughts, and sharing your stories. You helped me along this journey to get to this point, and I couldn't be here without each of you.
Peace and Love,
C.
I appreciate everyone who has taken time to read it. I appreciate your kinds words of support, your thoughts, and sharing your stories. You helped me along this journey to get to this point, and I couldn't be here without each of you.
Peace and Love,
C.
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Finding Perspective in Co-parenting
How do we move forward with every interaction, every mistake seems to be magnified?
Parenting is difficult enough. I'm at the point to be able to let the past be. I'm over it. Also, I'm over trying to make a point, or seek fairness (life isn't fair). Lastly, I do not wish to waste time nor energy fighting. We can only control our actions and reactions.
I really wish my co-parent felt the same way. Don't misunderstand, nothing has changed in our circumstances, but I suppose my perspective over the last six months has dramatically altered. I still wouldn't shed a treat at his funeral. There wouldn't be any kind words, as this would be absolutely fake. However, I've come to accept that I can either feed into the dysfunction and negativity; or I can keep moving forward, and keep my eyes on the prize. Doing what's best for our Dude.
When responses are snarky, if they come at all - it's hard. It's hard to be nice, rather than honest. I discount much of his attitude because I try to be compassionate and see his perspective. I sometimes wonder what I could do, to encourage better commu wetnication. At the end of the day, my experience and heart tells me, nothing. People walk their path in life. They make choices, which often have little to do with anyone but themselves. Our ego, conscience and values I suppose form the basis from which we make decisions. I can only control my actions, so I do try my best.
I know part of the issue is that he has paying me child support. It may actually be the main issue. How do I remedy this? I could close the order, but he'll still owe me 40k in arrears. If I were to forgive his arrears, would this be a heater that he would just stop the hostility? These are things I think about often. Then, I remember that people are responsible for their actions. It is his choice to neot pay for many years, his choice to not work to avoid wage garnishment. I'm left with knowing that I'm not going to feel guilty for pursuing child support. I just need to remind myself that he will continue to be any with me because I did pursue it, and I need to own this action and live with the consequence.
Things should be easy, like signing kids up for water polo or basketball, but instead become issues. Accusations of bullying and manipulation are made. We're talking sports. You know what happens when sports become an issue of angst. Kids don't play. Kids become emotionally distant from anything they think causes angst. Who wants to invite angst into their life? I certainly do not. Which brings me back to, what's best for the Dude.
Tonight I heard the kids talking about security people they know. At one point, one child said, "he's useless".
The Dude responded, "he's being kind."
Perspective is everything. He reminds me, how Grace shows up in the world. How a kind heart always serves us better. When I heard this exchange, it impressed upon me that we must be doing something right. It only takes one person to decide to try to make things better, to take the high road, and to practice Grace. I hope to hold onto this memory as motivation. We'll see how it goes,
❤️ & Peace,
C.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Hardest Part of Growing Up
There are a few milestones we experience that often signify adulthood. Some of us may experience buying a home, getting married or becoming parents. Those are joyous occasions that mark the beginning of new adventures and new chapters. Then life dips, where we feel like failures. We regretfully make poor choices. These are all experiences we must have, and can't be avoided. Together these experiences shape us.
Starting in my early thirties, my friends and I had many celebrations of life. Weddings and births of children. These events added more joy than heartbreak. During the same time period, I started to witness and experience relationships changing and some ending. I wasn't heartbroken when I left, but as I had written before, I had been embarrassed. I stayed longer than I would have because I didn't want to have "failed", or "wasted" those years. Today I realize that no relationship is wasted, no relationship fails. We're not failures. We need to redefine how we think about our relationships. Whether they are familial, romantic or friendships. They help us to define our worth. We learn from what worked and what didn't. We learn about ourselves. We learn our limits, and how we should treat others. We shape our values through these experiences. Ultimately, we decide our worth.
I know how much I learn from my friends. I've surrounded myself with some amazing people. People I trust, people who are smart and make me a better person. I've also witnessed my short-comings. I know to promise (occasionally). I can value the differences, as much as the similarities, of my friends and our friendships. I have a best friend who is my polar opposite, but still is my person. It doesn't diminish my sincere affection for her. I defined values and priorities that are important to me, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Relationships are all about compromising, but settling for less than one's worth because one is afraid of being alone is damaging. Eventually those cracks become to much to hide.
It was my Mom who said to me, "You can spend 10 years with someone being polite. You will look back, realizing you've spent your prime of your life in a snap". Relationships don't ever fail because there is no mark of "success". Being married for 20, 25 or 50-years isn't a measure of success. Success is living an honest life, in-accord with your values. Perhaps we should remove the need to measure relationships, and everyone would be happier? After all, it takes two to have a relationship. One person doesn't control the outcomes. It only takes one person to affect, change and alter the outcome. Time after time, I hear friends say they feel ashamed and embarrassed for it not working out, or for their spouse/partner's actions. The best thing we can do for ourselves is take responsibility for our own actions. Other people are responsible for their actions. It's never a reflection upon us. Just as how we behave isn't a reflection upon anyone else.
The reality is more often that not, relationships have a shelf life. Not everyone is meant to stay. Sometimes people come along to contribute something wonderful (like the Dude). Devaluing your worth based on fear and compromising out of love. Those are two different choices. Always choose love. ❤️-C.
Starting in my early thirties, my friends and I had many celebrations of life. Weddings and births of children. These events added more joy than heartbreak. During the same time period, I started to witness and experience relationships changing and some ending. I wasn't heartbroken when I left, but as I had written before, I had been embarrassed. I stayed longer than I would have because I didn't want to have "failed", or "wasted" those years. Today I realize that no relationship is wasted, no relationship fails. We're not failures. We need to redefine how we think about our relationships. Whether they are familial, romantic or friendships. They help us to define our worth. We learn from what worked and what didn't. We learn about ourselves. We learn our limits, and how we should treat others. We shape our values through these experiences. Ultimately, we decide our worth.
I know how much I learn from my friends. I've surrounded myself with some amazing people. People I trust, people who are smart and make me a better person. I've also witnessed my short-comings. I know to promise (occasionally). I can value the differences, as much as the similarities, of my friends and our friendships. I have a best friend who is my polar opposite, but still is my person. It doesn't diminish my sincere affection for her. I defined values and priorities that are important to me, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Relationships are all about compromising, but settling for less than one's worth because one is afraid of being alone is damaging. Eventually those cracks become to much to hide.
It was my Mom who said to me, "You can spend 10 years with someone being polite. You will look back, realizing you've spent your prime of your life in a snap". Relationships don't ever fail because there is no mark of "success". Being married for 20, 25 or 50-years isn't a measure of success. Success is living an honest life, in-accord with your values. Perhaps we should remove the need to measure relationships, and everyone would be happier? After all, it takes two to have a relationship. One person doesn't control the outcomes. It only takes one person to affect, change and alter the outcome. Time after time, I hear friends say they feel ashamed and embarrassed for it not working out, or for their spouse/partner's actions. The best thing we can do for ourselves is take responsibility for our own actions. Other people are responsible for their actions. It's never a reflection upon us. Just as how we behave isn't a reflection upon anyone else.
The reality is more often that not, relationships have a shelf life. Not everyone is meant to stay. Sometimes people come along to contribute something wonderful (like the Dude). Devaluing your worth based on fear and compromising out of love. Those are two different choices. Always choose love. ❤️-C.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Comic-Con 2018 Craziness
I'm in recovery from my first full San Diego Comic-Con experience. In the past few years I had only done 2 or 3 days of the Con. Also, from the first time four years ago to this past year, the convention has changed a lot. I'm going to summarize my experience in a top ten highlight reel. For those who ask about "Why" or "What" happens inside I've summarized my thoughts about why we love the Con.
Panels: I love going to panels. Small or the infamous Hall H. Panels are an interesting way to hear more about projects across all mediums and various industries such as; comics, video games, film/tv or toys. Besides seeing these things first, often producers or directors share their thoughts, inside perspectives or future insights. These are the creators of projects and often not people who are interviewed by traditional media.
Autograph signings: for those collectors and super fans, this can be quite the highlight and sought after.
Exhibition Hall: overwhelming fun for all. It is what most Con attendees spend wandering from booth to booth gathering "SDCC Exclusives" and other collectibles. This year, I was obsessed with collecting all the shirts from Deadpool 2, but missed Thursday (got distracted) and Sunday was a catastrophe. Deadpool riding a unicorn. I really wanted this shirt, but so did a hundred other people who were more determined and pushier. Clearly, I'm not aiming to spend hours waiting and waiting. I did blow budget gathering cool shirts, new books, and art prints from artists.
Free-bees: These are a bonus because often they are exclusive to the Con. Posters, shirts and other random items. Attendees (or non-attendees at off-sites) receive fun stuff from booths and during panels, one of the reason my attendees go crazy trying to get into certain panels or booths.
Off-sites: These are mostly those events and/or booths that are often open to the public.
My Top Ten Favorite Things from SDCC 2018
10. Deadpool 2 panel: full clip from the conclusion of the film (If I can turn back time). Cher will never be the same.
9. Acquiring my first Alex Ross, Wonder Woman to add to my collection. Limited, SDCC exclusive 21/25. Can't wait to hang it!
8. Deadpool 2 giveaway tee shirts. Friday shirt giveaway featured his sketch of Peter. Although the song 9-5 will forever be altered. Also (adding in here), I discovered and met Justin from Claus Studios. You'll know his work from the end credits of the movie. His work is entertaining.
7. Star Wars Millennium Falcon experience. #thesmugglersway
6. Spending time with friends doing the Con together. These memories and experiences are quality time too. This year I took a friend's son and it was so much fun. I didn't get to do it with the Dude, but he did go with his Dad. However, our friend's son was the next best thing, and we had an awesome day. It was full of "exclusives". Hanging with Rebecca, her boyfriend
Nick Kremenek (artist and graphic designer) and my brother (fan boy) makes the Con experience more worthwhile. When you are waiting, you talk and talk. It truly is quality time.
5. Sony Panel in Hall H. First, the wait was only 30 minutes and that's nothing by SDCC standards. Spider-man: into the Spider-verse was amazing. Graphics will blow you away, and features the new Spider-man Miles Morales. It's a big deal. We watched rough-cut preview for Venom starring Tom Hardy, who came to his first panel. What a treat!
4. Getting to speak to author, Tom Angleberger, who wrote the Origami Yoda series. Not only was he gracious with his time, he made the Dude an origami Yoda. The Dude will get it when I pick him up tomorrow. Can't wait to give the Dude his new Star Wars, The Mighty Chewbacca in the Forest of Fear.
3. Ryan Reynolds during Deadpool 2 panel. He is as funny in person as he is on Instagram. If you want a good laugh, follow him on IG: @vancityreynolds
2. Impromptu Flash Panel. During Kevin Smith's panel he showed Grant Gustin and Tom Cavanagh's short film, Tom and Grant. It is hilarious.
1. Kevin Smith Panel, and seeing him receive the Inkpot. If you ever get a chance to hear Kevin Smith on Saturday night in Hall H. Run, don't walk. We watched his pilot, Hollyweed, which he had never screened with an audience. It's Clerks in a pot shop. If you love Kevin Smith, you'll love this show. You can order episodes at www.RivitTv.com.
There are many more, but I just can't list everything. Now I've got to wait another 360 days until 2019. Let the countdown begin. Click to see photos from SDCC 2018 Photos
 |
| My brother, Sean showing off his Dragonball Z bag from the off-site |
Panels: I love going to panels. Small or the infamous Hall H. Panels are an interesting way to hear more about projects across all mediums and various industries such as; comics, video games, film/tv or toys. Besides seeing these things first, often producers or directors share their thoughts, inside perspectives or future insights. These are the creators of projects and often not people who are interviewed by traditional media.
Autograph signings: for those collectors and super fans, this can be quite the highlight and sought after.
Exhibition Hall: overwhelming fun for all. It is what most Con attendees spend wandering from booth to booth gathering "SDCC Exclusives" and other collectibles. This year, I was obsessed with collecting all the shirts from Deadpool 2, but missed Thursday (got distracted) and Sunday was a catastrophe. Deadpool riding a unicorn. I really wanted this shirt, but so did a hundred other people who were more determined and pushier. Clearly, I'm not aiming to spend hours waiting and waiting. I did blow budget gathering cool shirts, new books, and art prints from artists.
Free-bees: These are a bonus because often they are exclusive to the Con. Posters, shirts and other random items. Attendees (or non-attendees at off-sites) receive fun stuff from booths and during panels, one of the reason my attendees go crazy trying to get into certain panels or booths.
Off-sites: These are mostly those events and/or booths that are often open to the public.
My Top Ten Favorite Things from SDCC 2018
10. Deadpool 2 panel: full clip from the conclusion of the film (If I can turn back time). Cher will never be the same.
9. Acquiring my first Alex Ross, Wonder Woman to add to my collection. Limited, SDCC exclusive 21/25. Can't wait to hang it!
8. Deadpool 2 giveaway tee shirts. Friday shirt giveaway featured his sketch of Peter. Although the song 9-5 will forever be altered. Also (adding in here), I discovered and met Justin from Claus Studios. You'll know his work from the end credits of the movie. His work is entertaining.
7. Star Wars Millennium Falcon experience. #thesmugglersway
6. Spending time with friends doing the Con together. These memories and experiences are quality time too. This year I took a friend's son and it was so much fun. I didn't get to do it with the Dude, but he did go with his Dad. However, our friend's son was the next best thing, and we had an awesome day. It was full of "exclusives". Hanging with Rebecca, her boyfriend
Nick Kremenek (artist and graphic designer) and my brother (fan boy) makes the Con experience more worthwhile. When you are waiting, you talk and talk. It truly is quality time.
5. Sony Panel in Hall H. First, the wait was only 30 minutes and that's nothing by SDCC standards. Spider-man: into the Spider-verse was amazing. Graphics will blow you away, and features the new Spider-man Miles Morales. It's a big deal. We watched rough-cut preview for Venom starring Tom Hardy, who came to his first panel. What a treat!
4. Getting to speak to author, Tom Angleberger, who wrote the Origami Yoda series. Not only was he gracious with his time, he made the Dude an origami Yoda. The Dude will get it when I pick him up tomorrow. Can't wait to give the Dude his new Star Wars, The Mighty Chewbacca in the Forest of Fear.
3. Ryan Reynolds during Deadpool 2 panel. He is as funny in person as he is on Instagram. If you want a good laugh, follow him on IG: @vancityreynolds
2. Impromptu Flash Panel. During Kevin Smith's panel he showed Grant Gustin and Tom Cavanagh's short film, Tom and Grant. It is hilarious.
1. Kevin Smith Panel, and seeing him receive the Inkpot. If you ever get a chance to hear Kevin Smith on Saturday night in Hall H. Run, don't walk. We watched his pilot, Hollyweed, which he had never screened with an audience. It's Clerks in a pot shop. If you love Kevin Smith, you'll love this show. You can order episodes at www.RivitTv.com.
There are many more, but I just can't list everything. Now I've got to wait another 360 days until 2019. Let the countdown begin. Click to see photos from SDCC 2018 Photos
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Say Nothing
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting with my friend at the Violent Femmes concert. The band had started. Two or three songs into their set, and most of the crowd took to sitting in their seats. Two women, on our left, remained standing. I could hear a man yelling for them to sit down. I saw one woman turn around, and politely decline. She wanted to stand and dance. Obviously, this was a significant slight to the man (two rows behind); and he responded by heckling the two women. When he realized that wasn't going to work, he proceeded to go to the empty seats in front of them, wildly dancing. At this point, I thought he would get it out of his system. Suddenly, he turned around and faced them. Standing in front of these two (much shorter) women he remained for about 30 seconds waving his hands around, while standing one foot away from one woman's face. Not once did these woman do anything, raise their voices or act rudely. It was at this point I had to say something.
"You look like a complete ass hole. Everyone is looking at you, because you are the crazy ass hole in this situation."
We exchanged a few statements. He tried to justify his behavior because "they wouldn't sit down".
"We're at a concert. They are dancing and having a good time. There is nothing wrong with what they are doing" I responded. He said his friend couldn't see. I suggested to him they stand up.
He accused me, "You're taking their side because I have a penis."
First, I agreed with him. I believe he used his male stature to intimidate them into behaving the way he wanted them to. He behaved like a bully. I'm not going to sit by when I see someone bullying, and shaming a woman because she wasn't doing what he wanted. The whole scene took just a few minutes to transpire. I explained to the guy, "Dude, it's a concert. People want to have fun and you're ruining the vibe. Have fun, don't be an ass hole." Of course, I delivered it with a smile. Eventually he returned to his seat and remained there for the rest of the concert.
It's not okay for anyone to speak to someone like this. There were at least a dozen people who saw what was happening, sat there and did nothing. The truth for them could be different, but it could also be that it is easier to not get involved. To let the situation pass because in the scheme of things, it doesn't seem to be a big deal. Make the excuses for bad behaviors...blame the women for not sitting down, for whatever they did to cause it. They must have done something to perpetuate the situation. Some people act out badly to get their way. Truth is some people are miserable human beings. People pick on others and ridicule them because they feel powerless in their own lives; and want to feel powerful.
It's okay to make a poor decision, but take responsibility and apologize. We lose our temper. We have human moments. A bully wants to yell, mock and belittle someone else into submission. They use these tactics to feel powerful. When we do nothing and turn away, we become complicit. Understand the message we send, when we sit silently and say nothing.
"You are alone".
"You should do what he says".
"You deserve it".
"You are worthless".
As I responded to one of the women, after she leaned over to thank me, "You did nothing wrong."
It's okay to make a poor decision, but take responsibility and apologize. We lose our temper. We have human moments. A bully wants to yell, mock and belittle someone else into submission. They use these tactics to feel powerful. When we do nothing and turn away, we become complicit. Understand the message we send, when we sit silently and say nothing.
"You are alone".
"You should do what he says".
"You deserve it".
"You are worthless".
As I responded to one of the women, after she leaned over to thank me, "You did nothing wrong."
Friday, June 29, 2018
Ending Childhood Dreams Too Soon
My bestie (or one of them) has a term she uses to describe those people in our life who exhaust us with their negativity, energy vampire. Like the blood sucker who leave you dead, these suckers thrive on positive energy of the people around them.
As adults, we can choose to cut these people off. We eventually see them for what they are, and we end those relationships. What if the energy sucker is a parent? What if the victim is a child? It is difficult enough to find the balance between pushing our children into what we believe is best for them, and allowing them to be who they are through discovery and experience. I observe this on a daily basis within youth sports and my own life.
We all know those parents. We cringe as they publicly ridicule or chide their child (and we're talking about children ten and younger). We can see the child's physical demeanor alter. We can sense or see their fear or sadness wash over them as they receive their parents' critique of their performance or instruction. We know when it crosses the line. We all know when we've pushed to hard. We're human and we all make mistakes in our way we choose to love our children.
However, I'm not talking about those parents. Specifically, I'm talking of my own personal experience over the last few years of watching the Dude play baseball. I'm talking about how an unhappy and unfulfilled person slowly sucks the energy out of his child in pursuit of making him better. If this sounds like someone in your own child's life, or sounds like you, it is never too late to check yourself. The line isn't so fine between pushing your child for their betterment and pushing them for your own egotistical needs.
I've thought and thought about this. I've struggled with how to help the Dude with the intensity that comes with his father. I've made the excuses for him. I've told him repeatedly how his father loves him, and just wants him to be the best he can be. I tried to believe it, but I don't. I know he's living through the Dude. He's an energy sucker and sees the Dude as an extension of himself. Fully formed and unable to make mistakes. His need to strive for perfection (which we all know is unattainable) through his child. His unforgiving demands upon his child.
This brings me back to the point of energy suckers in our children's life. How do we help our children cope with them? What to do when the person is your parent? I don't have the answer. I've sought therapy and court-action. It isn't illegal to be an ass hole. Therapy doesn't work when you can't end the relationship, and the other person doesn't want to participate. Recently, the Dude declared his desire to be a professional baseball player. A kid's dream. Isn't it the best when our kids have these amazing lofty goals, even when we know as adults the path is hard and unlikely? I love the possibility of hope and dreams. It is the most beautiful thing about our children.
Over the course of the last 8 months, I've heard the Dude repeatedly say he no longer wants to play. I wondered if it is the struggle and work, or if it is something else? I know it is something else. The constant critique has worn away his confidence and stifled the joy of playing. The Dude is smart enough that he understands that baseball is ruining their relationship. Perhaps by no longer playing, he can once again receive the acceptance he desperately wants from his father. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious. At the end of the day, we want our parents to be proud of us. I know it's still how I feel, and I'm a grown adult.
The irony is, his father has a lot he could do in his own behaviors and life to improve upon. It is always easier to look outward than inward. We all know this to be true as well. Instead he sees the potential and vitality of his child and sucks energy from him to sustain his own life. It is wrong. There is no excuse I can make to justify it. The Dude isn't alone in his experience. It will not be until much, much later that he'll understand, and have the experience and wisdom to know this. I just hope that he continues to keep dreaming. Childhood ends when we stop dreaming, and ten is to young to stop being a child.
Please don't be an energy vampire.
Peace & Love.
As adults, we can choose to cut these people off. We eventually see them for what they are, and we end those relationships. What if the energy sucker is a parent? What if the victim is a child? It is difficult enough to find the balance between pushing our children into what we believe is best for them, and allowing them to be who they are through discovery and experience. I observe this on a daily basis within youth sports and my own life.
We all know those parents. We cringe as they publicly ridicule or chide their child (and we're talking about children ten and younger). We can see the child's physical demeanor alter. We can sense or see their fear or sadness wash over them as they receive their parents' critique of their performance or instruction. We know when it crosses the line. We all know when we've pushed to hard. We're human and we all make mistakes in our way we choose to love our children.
However, I'm not talking about those parents. Specifically, I'm talking of my own personal experience over the last few years of watching the Dude play baseball. I'm talking about how an unhappy and unfulfilled person slowly sucks the energy out of his child in pursuit of making him better. If this sounds like someone in your own child's life, or sounds like you, it is never too late to check yourself. The line isn't so fine between pushing your child for their betterment and pushing them for your own egotistical needs.
I've thought and thought about this. I've struggled with how to help the Dude with the intensity that comes with his father. I've made the excuses for him. I've told him repeatedly how his father loves him, and just wants him to be the best he can be. I tried to believe it, but I don't. I know he's living through the Dude. He's an energy sucker and sees the Dude as an extension of himself. Fully formed and unable to make mistakes. His need to strive for perfection (which we all know is unattainable) through his child. His unforgiving demands upon his child.
This brings me back to the point of energy suckers in our children's life. How do we help our children cope with them? What to do when the person is your parent? I don't have the answer. I've sought therapy and court-action. It isn't illegal to be an ass hole. Therapy doesn't work when you can't end the relationship, and the other person doesn't want to participate. Recently, the Dude declared his desire to be a professional baseball player. A kid's dream. Isn't it the best when our kids have these amazing lofty goals, even when we know as adults the path is hard and unlikely? I love the possibility of hope and dreams. It is the most beautiful thing about our children.
Over the course of the last 8 months, I've heard the Dude repeatedly say he no longer wants to play. I wondered if it is the struggle and work, or if it is something else? I know it is something else. The constant critique has worn away his confidence and stifled the joy of playing. The Dude is smart enough that he understands that baseball is ruining their relationship. Perhaps by no longer playing, he can once again receive the acceptance he desperately wants from his father. He hasn't said it, but it's obvious. At the end of the day, we want our parents to be proud of us. I know it's still how I feel, and I'm a grown adult.
The irony is, his father has a lot he could do in his own behaviors and life to improve upon. It is always easier to look outward than inward. We all know this to be true as well. Instead he sees the potential and vitality of his child and sucks energy from him to sustain his own life. It is wrong. There is no excuse I can make to justify it. The Dude isn't alone in his experience. It will not be until much, much later that he'll understand, and have the experience and wisdom to know this. I just hope that he continues to keep dreaming. Childhood ends when we stop dreaming, and ten is to young to stop being a child.
Please don't be an energy vampire.
Peace & Love.
Thursday, March 08, 2018
Girls Run the World
I'm long overdue for a post. For those who may not know, today is International Women's Day. To celebrate today, I would encourage everyone to donate to an organization that works with building up and supporting young girls in their development; and to reach their greatest potential. Women are the backbone of society. We birth life, primarily raise children and contribute to the workforce in greater amounts every day. The more we raise our girls to feel their value and provide meaningful platforms for their voices, the better we will all be. We will thrive.
My favorite organization locally (San Diego area) is Girls Rising. Girls Rising is a non-profit that focuses on at-risk girls with mentoring big sister relationships, and supports their emotional well-being. This organization does real work in our neighborhoods, impacting the lives of families throughout San Diego. Being a parent, I understand how so much of my worry and stress revolves around the well-being of my child. When there are programs and people that truly care and support my child, they are supporting me too. Girls Rising's mentor program does this and without organizations like them, these girls will fall short.
On the ex-US front, I like Girl Effect. Founded by Nike, it's now its own non-profit. The work they do around the world is to bring the stories to the public; and to give voices to girls through various mediums and across all platforms.
In many places children are silent. Adults believe they should be silent and not heard. Their voices do not matter. Just look at how the Florida legislator mocked the survivors from Parkland. However, we should be praising their activism. We should continue to encourage all children, especially our girls to speak up for what they believe. No child should ever be told they are children and should not have opinions. A community leader denigrates these young people, with their legitimate right to voice their feelings and opinions on policy matters that impact their lives. Just imagine how those children on the fringes of our society or in other countries must live in silence because they never find their way to the platform.
Happy International Women's Day!
Friday, January 19, 2018
An Education in Justice
I am keenly aware that my situation isn't extreme, nor a cautionary tale of co-parenting battles. It is rather middle of the road in terms of family strife.
Here are 15 things I learned from spending hours researching family matters, the thousands spent on attorneys and many court visits later.
15. Financial support means nothing in terms of parenting. Custody and support are two unrelated issues in family law. I know!
14. I'm very happy knowing I did not pursue a legal career, become a DA or Judge. It all seems very depressing. Important, but overwhelming and depressing.
13. Free resources. Use if you must, but the adage "you get what you pay for" applies.
12. Find areas of compromise.
11. Develop thick skin. Be prepared to listen to lies and dishonest portrayals of your character. Be prepared for attacks and vicious naming calling.
10. Best interests of the child are not to be confused with one's (parent's) desire.
9. There is always someone in a worse situation. Sit in a family courtroom. It's heartbreaking.
8. If you have two options, pick the one that makes you least happy. It is probably the right thing to do.
7. As a parent, we can't fix all our kid's problems. This includes the other parent. People are flawed. We can't protect our kids from the realities of life, but we can prepare them to cope.
6. Judges speak legalese. Lawyers are interpreters. Absolutely necessary. If you want to be understood, spend the money.
5. You can't legislate or litigate someone into doing the right thing. People must want to do it. We can place restrictions and threaten, but neither are effective methods.
4. Be prepared to absorb the abuse or other parent's poor decisions. It is far better to know you acted with integrity. Bad behavior is eventually noticed.
3. The standard in family law is set low. One must be immediately dangerous. Therefore, anything less is really just parenting values and difference of opinion.
2. Website research will make you bonkers. Don't google family law matters. Your sanity is too important. Go hire a lawyer.
1. CYA your interactions. Document everything.
It is a long and difficult road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone I hate. It is a lose-lose. It is important to have people close to you. People who support you and your child. I have friends who give me amazing advice that doesn't consist of making that douchebag suffer! Rather, support us with thoughtful suggestions to de-escalate perceived conflict. This is something I've come to appreciate more over the past year. For all of those struggling through their co-parenting relationships. Hang in there! Fight the important fight and let the rest go.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Going Home Again
Today I was reminded of past memories from Facebook. Popping up on my feed was a series of pictures posted 9 years ago. We had moved from Boston to San Diego. The cross-country move was something I hadn't contemplated. I'm not one to live in the past. Returning to San Diego felt like revisiting the past. I had become a city dweller. I loved not owning a car, living in the hustle of the city and it's wealth of history. I never wanted to be part of suburbia, bedroom communities and strip malls. The reality of spending hours of my life in car commuting to work is cringe-worthy.
The decision was made quickly, within two weeks from the time the original idea came up. It was having a child that made me reassess. Childcare in the city was crazy expensive. Schools in city proper would be either private school or moving from my beloved adopted North End neighborhood. Winters meant lots of planning to keep kids active and entertained. I had lots of friends, but no family. I found this to be the deciding factor. For everyone it is different. I was raised without family close by. I missed out of the stories of cousins hanging out, relationships with Grandparents. For me, I missed having those close ties and fond memories that defined my childhood. Besides, growing up in San Diego was a positive experience.
It was hard to leave, but not as hard as I thought because I was excited about the possibilities ahead. Coming home gave me strength to leave an unhealthy relationship because there is something undeniable about the mirror 'home' provides. We can't lie to those who really know us the best. 2018 will mark a decade since I made the decision to go home. Three friends from my Boston days have moved here, and I am still close with several others. I have landed a role at a company that matched how appreciated and valued I felt in Boston at Partners Healthcare. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to have created strong friendships and a great community.
I can see my fear about coming home wasn't about the past, rather I was afraid it meant defeat. Fearing I would wash away all the growth and experience. Nearly a decade later I know that I followed my path to explore who I wanted to be, about discovering my likes and dislikes. It was my need for self-determination. My fear was unfounded. I look at the photo by the pier, holding the Dude. I know now that making that decision to go back home was the ultimate act of self-determination. It was the second best decision I made in my life, next to becoming a mother.
Wishing everyone peace and love.
Wednesday, January 03, 2018
Saying Goodbye to 2017
Reflecting back, 2017 wasn't terrible to me. There was room for growth and room for improvement, but there were positive revelations that occurred. Here are my top ten things I learned from last year.
1. Friends reveal themselves through their actions and support when you need it.
2. The truth does set you free.
3. Bad experience is just a valuable (if not more) than a good experience.
4. I love being alone as much as I love being with people. Different and equally awesome.
5. Public persona is not reality, but a limited viewpoint of real life.
6. I still love playing basketball. I can't like I once did, but I'm more motivated to keep playing in some capacity.
7. Quality trumps quantity in every category.
8. The effort that goes into your friendships matter, and social media is not real effort. As I said to a certain gal last week, I'll take face time with her anyway I can get it, even if it means shopping in Kohl's for 3+ hours.
9. Keep life simple. Try not to get bogged down with stuff.
10. I feel closer to my family (specifically my parents) than I have in past years. Maybe it has to do with parenthood?
Happy New Year!
1. Friends reveal themselves through their actions and support when you need it.
2. The truth does set you free.
3. Bad experience is just a valuable (if not more) than a good experience.
4. I love being alone as much as I love being with people. Different and equally awesome.
5. Public persona is not reality, but a limited viewpoint of real life.
6. I still love playing basketball. I can't like I once did, but I'm more motivated to keep playing in some capacity.
7. Quality trumps quantity in every category.
8. The effort that goes into your friendships matter, and social media is not real effort. As I said to a certain gal last week, I'll take face time with her anyway I can get it, even if it means shopping in Kohl's for 3+ hours.
9. Keep life simple. Try not to get bogged down with stuff.
10. I feel closer to my family (specifically my parents) than I have in past years. Maybe it has to do with parenthood?
Happy New Year!
Monday, December 18, 2017
Worst Day Ever!
We all have that day where you shout at the sky above like Nancy Kerrigan, "Why me?!" or declare you need to go back to bed. I experienced this full throttle last Saturday. I kept trying to look ahead but it just kept falling apart. When I look back to this weekend, it is certainly not something I wish to remember. Let me set the scene.
East county basketball tournament on Saturday. My communication neglected the location.I had not realized until "Where is the tournament" popped up on text, when our son should already be at the gym. Oh shit! Fortunately, I blocked certain words. The text messages received next read, "You are a Ducking moron" and "Where you dumb cubt", which were disturbing and amusing. Word blocking on your phone works! I highly recommend it.
The upsetting part isn't the messages because I've grown numb to those. It was his instruction to the Dude to not speak to me and pulling him away in between games. I was so surprised, but I didn't pursue it because I didn't want to cause a scene. However, after the game I tried again to speak to him again, wanting to give him a hug and console a disappointing loss. My ex physically prevented me from hugging him with his arm. Before I was able to say more than, "You can't prevent me from speaking to him"; he turned and focused a verbal rage upon another parent. The whole scene escalated as my ex verbally attacked him and my own Dad for intervening. I could feel the whole gym watching. My eyes darted between the two men and the Dude's face. I still see his eyes wide-opened with fear.
My ex continues to alienate himself and therefore our son because of his actions. My ex spews hate and it catches up to him. He will continue to behave irrationally, and the Dude is the person who suffers. I am not even angry because it is heart-breaking to see the Dude's sweet face with a look of panic and fear; and not be able to protect him. I can't even hug him because he's with his father for the next week.
After that spectacular morning, I'm committed to holiday party and Cake concert. At least I have fun to look forward to. Right? Yeah, but remember it is worst day ever! I gathered myself and two bottles of wine, and make my way to a holiday party. Just before I'm ready to leave the party to pick up my friend, I get a serious of texts telling me the concert isn't going to happen because there is a mix-up with the guest list. I've had this concert on the books for nearly a month. I'm crushed, but still not broken. I rallied with amusing conversation and great company. Thank goodness I decided at 11th hour to go to this party, otherwise I would be at home alone. I guarantee you, it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I probably would have spent the evening therapeutically sobbing at episodes of "This is Us". Ordering pizza and feeling sorry for myself. Let's just say, I still sobbed at some made for Netflix show, just without the pizza because I arrived home later.
Sunday morning, I woke up refreshed. New day, right? Not done yet. If you lost count, misfortune occurs in threes. My neighbor walks up the sidewalk towards my door holding his bike chain. "They cut my chain and took my bike." he says. "You should probably move yours". Whew, thank goodness. My bike is still there. I get myself together, newly motivated to go for a bike ride, and head down to move my bike - except only the Dude's bike is there. Next to it is another old cruiser bike that the thieves decided to bestow upon me. How very nice of them. Yeah, it wasn't a good 24 hours for me. My Dad bought the bike for Christmas last year, didn't even last a year. People suck.
Still determined to not let horrible people break me, I decided Christmas shopping would be a good distraction. Except people still suck. Of course, as I sit in my car, signal flashing, having waited politely for nearly 3-4 minutes for a car to pull out of a spot, another woman stops facing opposite me, pulls into the newly vacated parking spot. REALLY???? I decided this is not okay. I waited for her to exit her car. After politely explaining I have been waiting for the spot, she says she was on that side of the aisle so it's her spot (seriously, this was her justification) and begins to walk away. I politely and loudly exclaimed, "You are so rude. You are a perfect example of what is wrong with our country" concluded with "Have a wonderful Christmas!"
It is all relative. In the bigger picture these are just small misfortunes. We still have our health. The Dude has a many loving family and friends who will make up for those less-able to do the right thing. What doesn't break you will make you stronger. Right? I had said this earlier to my Dad, but now what goes through my head (thank goodness for inside voice),"F*ck it. You better break me because if I can get up, I'm going to get up and break your nose."
East county basketball tournament on Saturday. My communication neglected the location.I had not realized until "Where is the tournament" popped up on text, when our son should already be at the gym. Oh shit! Fortunately, I blocked certain words. The text messages received next read, "You are a Ducking moron" and "Where you dumb cubt", which were disturbing and amusing. Word blocking on your phone works! I highly recommend it.
The upsetting part isn't the messages because I've grown numb to those. It was his instruction to the Dude to not speak to me and pulling him away in between games. I was so surprised, but I didn't pursue it because I didn't want to cause a scene. However, after the game I tried again to speak to him again, wanting to give him a hug and console a disappointing loss. My ex physically prevented me from hugging him with his arm. Before I was able to say more than, "You can't prevent me from speaking to him"; he turned and focused a verbal rage upon another parent. The whole scene escalated as my ex verbally attacked him and my own Dad for intervening. I could feel the whole gym watching. My eyes darted between the two men and the Dude's face. I still see his eyes wide-opened with fear.
My ex continues to alienate himself and therefore our son because of his actions. My ex spews hate and it catches up to him. He will continue to behave irrationally, and the Dude is the person who suffers. I am not even angry because it is heart-breaking to see the Dude's sweet face with a look of panic and fear; and not be able to protect him. I can't even hug him because he's with his father for the next week.
After that spectacular morning, I'm committed to holiday party and Cake concert. At least I have fun to look forward to. Right? Yeah, but remember it is worst day ever! I gathered myself and two bottles of wine, and make my way to a holiday party. Just before I'm ready to leave the party to pick up my friend, I get a serious of texts telling me the concert isn't going to happen because there is a mix-up with the guest list. I've had this concert on the books for nearly a month. I'm crushed, but still not broken. I rallied with amusing conversation and great company. Thank goodness I decided at 11th hour to go to this party, otherwise I would be at home alone. I guarantee you, it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I probably would have spent the evening therapeutically sobbing at episodes of "This is Us". Ordering pizza and feeling sorry for myself. Let's just say, I still sobbed at some made for Netflix show, just without the pizza because I arrived home later.
Sunday morning, I woke up refreshed. New day, right? Not done yet. If you lost count, misfortune occurs in threes. My neighbor walks up the sidewalk towards my door holding his bike chain. "They cut my chain and took my bike." he says. "You should probably move yours". Whew, thank goodness. My bike is still there. I get myself together, newly motivated to go for a bike ride, and head down to move my bike - except only the Dude's bike is there. Next to it is another old cruiser bike that the thieves decided to bestow upon me. How very nice of them. Yeah, it wasn't a good 24 hours for me. My Dad bought the bike for Christmas last year, didn't even last a year. People suck.
Still determined to not let horrible people break me, I decided Christmas shopping would be a good distraction. Except people still suck. Of course, as I sit in my car, signal flashing, having waited politely for nearly 3-4 minutes for a car to pull out of a spot, another woman stops facing opposite me, pulls into the newly vacated parking spot. REALLY???? I decided this is not okay. I waited for her to exit her car. After politely explaining I have been waiting for the spot, she says she was on that side of the aisle so it's her spot (seriously, this was her justification) and begins to walk away. I politely and loudly exclaimed, "You are so rude. You are a perfect example of what is wrong with our country" concluded with "Have a wonderful Christmas!"
It is all relative. In the bigger picture these are just small misfortunes. We still have our health. The Dude has a many loving family and friends who will make up for those less-able to do the right thing. What doesn't break you will make you stronger. Right? I had said this earlier to my Dad, but now what goes through my head (thank goodness for inside voice),"F*ck it. You better break me because if I can get up, I'm going to get up and break your nose."
Friday, December 15, 2017
My Holiday To-do List
Everyone has their holiday to-do list. Some of these are newly created, while others are long-standing family traditions. Here are the 10 things I do and why I do them.
1. Tree goes up the weekend after Thanksgiving. The process of pulling out ornaments bring back memories of picking them out and remembering people and places from times in the past.
2. Christmas lights viewing. We drive around in the car, loaded with Christmas music and drive around appreciating how much effort some folks make. We score the best and those who achieve risking peril in placing lights or Christmas props up high.
3. Christmas cookie baking. We've been baking Christmas cookies every season to share with people. What is better than sharing sweets with people?
4. We give stuff away. Christmas time is a perfect opportunity to access what we have loved, but no longer play, use or need. Giving things away clears space for some of the new stuff that will arrive (all you parents know what I mean). Even better, instead of buying toys, have you child select toys to give to other friends or other families that may have younger children. You child will feel the joy of giving and feel like Santa.
5. Advent Calendar. I purchased an advent with pockets when the Dude was in preschool. I fill it with love, little tokens and delicious chocolates. He always looks forward to opening them. In the past I've packed it with happy thoughts, promises to go ice skating or game nights. This is one of my favorite things to do.
6. I listen to Christmas music a much as possible. I change my car radio to the Christmas station. I love love love Christmas music.
7. We watch the Polar Express. Every single year. The Dude loves this movie and we make sure to drink hot coco during the song.
8. We go to December nights. Haven't missed a year since moving back in 2009. Now that he's older, we finish the evening by watching the production of The Christmas Story at the Organ Pavilion. If you haven't seen it before, I highly recommend it. Must do - stop at the Gingerbread house for hot coco and a gingerbread man cookie (or whichever cookie you like).
9. We open one Christmas "eve" present. This year the Dude got to open his last night because we're not together until Boxing Day (Dec. 26). This present is a pair of pajamas (usually). Since we were seeing Star Wars and today is pajama day at school, you can probably guess what sort of pajamas he received.
10. The family get together and meal. We're not doing "Christmas" or I suppose you can say we're delaying it. Of course presents will be exchanged, but part of me feels Christmas morning can't be delayed. So, we're doing a Boxing Day evening celebration. Yeah to being part Canadian!
The most important part of the to-do list? To remember what is important. It isn't presents. It is the feeling of giving. Giving your time, your love and your full attention to those who matter most to you. People move away, leave us permanently and kids grow older the magic fades. Whatever is on your list, remember to enjoy these moments and to pass along what is most important to you. For me, it is love. I wish everyone feels more love in 2018. Happy Christmas to you and yours!
1. Tree goes up the weekend after Thanksgiving. The process of pulling out ornaments bring back memories of picking them out and remembering people and places from times in the past.
2. Christmas lights viewing. We drive around in the car, loaded with Christmas music and drive around appreciating how much effort some folks make. We score the best and those who achieve risking peril in placing lights or Christmas props up high.
3. Christmas cookie baking. We've been baking Christmas cookies every season to share with people. What is better than sharing sweets with people?
4. We give stuff away. Christmas time is a perfect opportunity to access what we have loved, but no longer play, use or need. Giving things away clears space for some of the new stuff that will arrive (all you parents know what I mean). Even better, instead of buying toys, have you child select toys to give to other friends or other families that may have younger children. You child will feel the joy of giving and feel like Santa.
5. Advent Calendar. I purchased an advent with pockets when the Dude was in preschool. I fill it with love, little tokens and delicious chocolates. He always looks forward to opening them. In the past I've packed it with happy thoughts, promises to go ice skating or game nights. This is one of my favorite things to do.
6. I listen to Christmas music a much as possible. I change my car radio to the Christmas station. I love love love Christmas music.
7. We watch the Polar Express. Every single year. The Dude loves this movie and we make sure to drink hot coco during the song.
8. We go to December nights. Haven't missed a year since moving back in 2009. Now that he's older, we finish the evening by watching the production of The Christmas Story at the Organ Pavilion. If you haven't seen it before, I highly recommend it. Must do - stop at the Gingerbread house for hot coco and a gingerbread man cookie (or whichever cookie you like).
9. We open one Christmas "eve" present. This year the Dude got to open his last night because we're not together until Boxing Day (Dec. 26). This present is a pair of pajamas (usually). Since we were seeing Star Wars and today is pajama day at school, you can probably guess what sort of pajamas he received.
10. The family get together and meal. We're not doing "Christmas" or I suppose you can say we're delaying it. Of course presents will be exchanged, but part of me feels Christmas morning can't be delayed. So, we're doing a Boxing Day evening celebration. Yeah to being part Canadian!
The most important part of the to-do list? To remember what is important. It isn't presents. It is the feeling of giving. Giving your time, your love and your full attention to those who matter most to you. People move away, leave us permanently and kids grow older the magic fades. Whatever is on your list, remember to enjoy these moments and to pass along what is most important to you. For me, it is love. I wish everyone feels more love in 2018. Happy Christmas to you and yours!
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Right or Wrong? Does it Matter?
Let's be clear. Most of time I'm not wrong when disagreements arise in my co-parenting universe. Notice I didn't say I was right, I said I wasn't wrong. I do believe both can be right. After all, parenting is a wide-open field with several paths to get through it. Some people like to take the paved sidewalk, others may want to pick wild flowers and meander through at a leisurely pace, and others want to fly right over because they could careless about wild flowers.
Parenting with my ex is challenging. We agree on very little. These differences added to the existing and on-going communication challenges make co-parenting very difficult. Even-though I want nothing to do with him, I do put forth effort to communicate and co-parent. I have friends in similar situations. Just like those parents who stay together, we're individuals with our own experience, personality and opinion. We don't agree and that is okay, but not trying to do our best to work with the other parent is not okay.
The hardest challenge I'm facing is the Dude's own life and activities being supported consistently by parent while they are on-duty. For example, the Dude plays baseball. His father decides he would rather not take him to his game on his weekend. He didn't agree to the league. There could be other reasons; but what can one do to come to a resolution when each believes they are right?
I've reflected the last few months on how better to deal with this issue. He certainly knows a lot about baseball. Do I leave him to decide all things baseball because he knows more about the sport of baseball? Well, I don't. Should I? Does not having played a the sport disqualify a parent from their right to opinion on participating? Certainly not. I have as much experience in participating in youth sports as he does. It comes down to the kid. He's at the age where he can express himself and he's decided he wants to play in our community league. The Dude loves baseball. He loves playing with his friends and battling them in the box. Rehashing game moments during the school day. So, we will continue down this path and register for another season. The hope is his dad fully supports the activity, but only time can tell. When dealing with someone who tends to put their own feelings before what is best for a child - we can only wait and hope.
I get kudos for how I interact with my ex, but I shouldn't. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the best thing for the dude. I shouldn't get kudos for it. We're all trying to do the right thing, and from his dad's perspective, he's trying to do the right thing as well. Only the dude loses when we can't work together. It isn't about being right. Good parenting doesn't comes down to being right. Sometimes it comes down to being happy (read When Quitting is the Right thing to do). Weighing all the positives and negatives to come up with the decision that makes the most sense.
In a couple of years the Dude is going to be old enough to have more autonomy. I hold onto this as a short-term milestone to get through the disappointment and conflict. Sooner or later, it will not be me fighting. He will be able to determine his own path (within reason). I'm not gonna lie, I hold onto this on the days where I just want to scream and cry out from frustration.
Also, I've always been a strategic thinker, so I keep my eye on the long-term goal. The long-term goal isn't a MLB career or college baseball (although I support the Dude's long-term goal), but for him to look back on his childhood with fondness. My long-term goal is to know I did my best to do what was best for him. We choose to try (knowing sometimes we fall short) or not. In those moments when I want to curse out my ex and tell him what I really think of him or his choices, I let this be my guide. I don't want to let his father's inability to co-parent or our dislike for one another to negatively influence my behavior or change my decision-making. I hope for the best, while empowering the Dude to always respectfully express his wants and desires. I will have to sit and wait; and hope and see what happens over the next few months. Only time will tell.
Parenting with my ex is challenging. We agree on very little. These differences added to the existing and on-going communication challenges make co-parenting very difficult. Even-though I want nothing to do with him, I do put forth effort to communicate and co-parent. I have friends in similar situations. Just like those parents who stay together, we're individuals with our own experience, personality and opinion. We don't agree and that is okay, but not trying to do our best to work with the other parent is not okay.
The hardest challenge I'm facing is the Dude's own life and activities being supported consistently by parent while they are on-duty. For example, the Dude plays baseball. His father decides he would rather not take him to his game on his weekend. He didn't agree to the league. There could be other reasons; but what can one do to come to a resolution when each believes they are right?
I've reflected the last few months on how better to deal with this issue. He certainly knows a lot about baseball. Do I leave him to decide all things baseball because he knows more about the sport of baseball? Well, I don't. Should I? Does not having played a the sport disqualify a parent from their right to opinion on participating? Certainly not. I have as much experience in participating in youth sports as he does. It comes down to the kid. He's at the age where he can express himself and he's decided he wants to play in our community league. The Dude loves baseball. He loves playing with his friends and battling them in the box. Rehashing game moments during the school day. So, we will continue down this path and register for another season. The hope is his dad fully supports the activity, but only time can tell. When dealing with someone who tends to put their own feelings before what is best for a child - we can only wait and hope.
I get kudos for how I interact with my ex, but I shouldn't. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the best thing for the dude. I shouldn't get kudos for it. We're all trying to do the right thing, and from his dad's perspective, he's trying to do the right thing as well. Only the dude loses when we can't work together. It isn't about being right. Good parenting doesn't comes down to being right. Sometimes it comes down to being happy (read When Quitting is the Right thing to do). Weighing all the positives and negatives to come up with the decision that makes the most sense.
In a couple of years the Dude is going to be old enough to have more autonomy. I hold onto this as a short-term milestone to get through the disappointment and conflict. Sooner or later, it will not be me fighting. He will be able to determine his own path (within reason). I'm not gonna lie, I hold onto this on the days where I just want to scream and cry out from frustration.
Also, I've always been a strategic thinker, so I keep my eye on the long-term goal. The long-term goal isn't a MLB career or college baseball (although I support the Dude's long-term goal), but for him to look back on his childhood with fondness. My long-term goal is to know I did my best to do what was best for him. We choose to try (knowing sometimes we fall short) or not. In those moments when I want to curse out my ex and tell him what I really think of him or his choices, I let this be my guide. I don't want to let his father's inability to co-parent or our dislike for one another to negatively influence my behavior or change my decision-making. I hope for the best, while empowering the Dude to always respectfully express his wants and desires. I will have to sit and wait; and hope and see what happens over the next few months. Only time will tell.
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